Self Care Momma, Self Care

As a single person, I did so much better with self care. I worked hard, played hard and remembered to take time for me. It was not unusual for me to work all day, take a nap, work all night, then go out and dance. Actually, it was my norm…oh the energy of your 20’s!  In my early 30’s, I slowed down, but still managed self care, yoga, art classes, reading books, exercise. Life was good…I still was busy, but life was good.

Then I had children. Now I love being a Mom, please don’t get me wrong.  The reality is though, once my kids came along, my self care took a hit. Art classes were replaced with coloring books and doing kid focused art projects, fun but not as rewarding. Yoga was replaced with baby and me classes, reading was a luxury that I know longer had time for, unless it was that five minutes sitting on the commode…when I didn’t get interrupted. (Okay, you all know I did not read, because what Mom can go to the bathroom for five minutes and not get interrupted?) Exercise consisted of chasing a toddler while wearing an infant. I simply did not have time, or maybe didn’t make the time.  I was caught up in motherhood.

My kids are a bit older now, 5 and 9. I am making more time for me…I work out on occasion. I read more. I spend more time with me. I have registered for a lot on online classes, but seem to get distracted before finishing them. There are many days I long for more me time, and know that instead I need to be mom.  There are other days that I feel like, “Forget those kids, I need me time. ”  Then the Momma guilt kicks in. The thing is I often feel like there just isn’t enough time to do EVERYTHING I NEED to do, let alone everything I WANT to do…so how can I have me time?  Or that is how I thought. Then some shifts happened in my personal life, and I realized, I can’t afford not to take time out for me. You see, my lack of self care wasn’t just affecting me, it was affecting those that I loved. I was tired. Not like your normal tired. I was bone dry, exhausted, overwhelmed and tapped out.  I didn’t laugh as much, and I most certainly wasn’t fun to  be around.  Fairly frequently, I was grumpy, maybe down right, well you know.

I began my self care slowly. I actually took days off  while the kids were in school, and slept. I began building my friendships again. I scheduled nights out, with the girls…and appreciated other women making me laugh and relating to the craziness that is motherhood.  I reconnected with my tribe. My husband and I went on dates, and became friends again. I started getting manicures and pedicures…and not beating myself up for time wasted.  I said “no” more.  What I realized, was that I became a better wife, a better mother, a better therapist, and a  better enterpreneur. I was a healthier person when I took care of myself first.  It continues to be a journey.  Sometimes, I say yes too much. Sometimes, I feel guilt for not being able to be there for someone. Sometimes,  I still long for my single days, where I just cared for me.  Sometimes, I hear other people say spend as much time with your kids as you can, they grow up fast and feel sad. I also try to remember that when I take time for me, I am taking time for them too.  In it all, I just try and find balance, and not let any one area get so far out of  line that I end up dropping all areas.  For you see, yes, I am a Mom  and a Wife and  a friend and a therapist and an entrepreneur and a school volunteer and (put your own “and” in here). However,  I am a person first.  A person with limited time and energy.  A person who loves being all those things so much, that she knows she has to pull in, to do all of those things well, some of the time. So Momma, let go of the guilt. Go do something for you, and remember, you are doing it for your kids….they need to see you making yourself a priority, so they learn how to make themselves a priority.

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Love and Healing,

Laura

YOU are just not my type of Crazy!

As a Mom of two, I frequently meet other Mommas, and hope there is a connection. I mean, there really should be a connection…our kids are the same age, they go to the same school/camp/club, our values are similar, we end up at the same events and are Facebook friends…yet when we talk, there isn’t a vibe. This used to happen when I was dating too, the guy seemed great, he was sweet, caring, we seemed to have similar values, yet he maybe didn’t get my quirky humor or couldn’t relate to those deeper things that mattered to me. Most of us have experienced this on some level. That whole feeling of on paper we are a perfect match, in reality…well, quite frankly it is easier talking to a wall.  Now I am friendly enough with these people, however, I often walk away confused…like, “huh, everything seemed right…what went wrong there?” On the other hand, I have met people that look so different from me, yet when we meet there is such a deep connection  that it feels like we are picking up a friendship that we left off just yesterday. (Maybe we are, past lives anyone?) It was like when we met, we were updating each other on our lives, and then returning to a friendship that had always been. I had a friend that used to call these people “Old Sames”. I love that.

So how come some people are the wall and others are the old sames? How can some feel so off, and others feel so right? What I have discovered is that they are just not my type of crazy. Over the years, I have discovered I don’t think like most people. I take those surveys on personality type and always fall in the 10 percent range….that means the reality is I don’t think like 90 percent of the population.  This means that even if everything looks like it should be a match, it won’t always be, because I am seeing things through odd color lenses. As a kid into my early 20’s, I always thought that there was something wrong with me. I mean, how could there be so many people out there that just seem so bizarre to me? However, as I have begun to embrace my difference…I realized that there is nothing wrong with me, it’s just my connection to others take a little more time to grow. When I do connect, those connections are usually long-term, deep and fulfilling in a way that makes it worth the wait.

So, why am I sharing this? Who cares? Well the reality is that all of us occasionally see through odd color lenses. All of us have met those people who seemed like they should be a good fit, yet the connection is not there. During times of transition, like  graduating college, getting married, becoming a mom, getting a divorce, going into a career, empty nesting, becoming the matriarch or patriarch in your family or retiring….you are redefining who you are, and what your role of in life is. When in motion, you may find it difficult to connect to your old sames. You are growing as a person, as a soul, and those around you may not fit into your particular crazy…especially if you are the first or last in your peer group to meet these milestones.  Often, when we are in a growth period, we want to meet others like us, that are experiencing similar things…yet because we are growing, we are not providing stable grounds to plant  or grow the gardens of friendship. During those growth periods, it is hard to find old sames. However, it is also time when you really crave finding those that are like you, and each perceived rejection or lack of fit can feel like an affirmation that you are odd and alone. The thing is, is that you are growing, and growth can be difficult and lonely…knowing that it doesn’t last forever, and knowing that your old sames are out there, and you will find them, just as soon as you are on stable grounds again can be comforting.

When I am not connecting, I try to remember that all things need room to grow and that   those I am supposed to be connecting with are also growing parallel. (I often visualize baby oaks in the forest, as a sprout they are so tiny, young and far apart. As they grow,  the space between them appears smaller and their branches begin to touch.) For example, I met this women in my birthing class, by all means, we had a lot in common, but did not really connect. Fast forward, 5 years, another child and the births of our individual businesses later, and we were old sames. We felt like we had known each other for years, even though we could not remember for months where we originally met.  When we finally made the connection, the question was “How did we take months of classes together, but not connect?”  Our crazy at the time did not match. We had to go through more experiences that helped us grow to a point where we could begin to discover the similarities of our paths.  The great thing now, is that months can go by, and while we may not  talk due to our busy lives, we know we can pick up the phone, and connect heart to heart, exactly where we left off.

As you continue to grow, your old sames will appear. Trust that if you  feel you are walking alone, that you are not truly alone…your old sames are walking the path next to you. They are just veiled by the fog of your own personal crazy. As the mists dissipates or their crazy begins to grow into yours, you will begin to reconnect with those that were there all the while.

Finding your voice.

Hidden deep in our soul, are the whispers of our truth. Spirit does not yell, it nudges, it hints, it guides, and encourages. As babies, as children, we are in tune with the voice of our soul. We know what makes us happy, what makes us sad, what makes us angry and we are able to express it. Infants scream for what they want, the world responds. Two year olds will defiantly yell “no” for things they do not like. They know how to express themselves. Children will say what they think and feel without fear. Ever see one of those kids that will just walk up to another person and say “Hey want to be friends?” Then the two go off to play whatever game it was? Early teenagers will often say what they think, even when they know they won’t like the consequences. We KNOW how to express ourselves coming into the world.
Then something happens. At some point during our childhood a shift happens. The shift happens a different times for each of us, but for almost all of us, it happens. After years of being told not to say this or that, to hush, to follow the rules, that this or that is rude, quit being disrespectful, that that dream is not realistic or you can’t do that and make a living… we shut down our inner voice. We tune it out. We ignore it. We silence it….or at least we attempt to. Many of us do this to adapt to the expectations of this world. We do it to please others. We do it because we are told that is the only way to make it in this world we live in. We do it because we buy the lie…the lie that in order to be happy, we have to silence the whispering of our conscience. Our soul is not so easily silenced though. It persists, it continues to whisper, it continues to nudge…and if we don’t listen, it creates a conflict in us. It creates anxiety, depression and a host of other issues.
Our soul continues to guide us. It speaks to us through our body….our bodies react to situations and energiesthat are both good and bad. If we pay attention,  our body will give us signals that tell us what is right for us, and what is wrong.  Take a moment, consider two equal choices, and really pay attention to your body…did one of the two choices make you feel heavier, more dense? Did one feel lighter?  Tuning into our bodies is one way to really begin to listen to our inner voice.

Another way our soul communicates is through dreams. Images flash before our eyes, sometimes sweet and lulling, other times haunting and jarring…both meant to either verify or help you question your path. Our dreams are symbols for our waking world, ways for us to incorporate our lives in a language our subconscious understands. Our inner reality then responds, sending images to help us.

As you go through your day, my challenge to you would be to really begin to listen your inner voice. To take time to hear the whispers, and notice the synchronicities.