Why You Feel Everything More During Retrograde Season: A Guide for Empaths and Highly Sensitive Women
So let me tell you what I have been hearing a lot lately in my practice. Variations of this: "I do not know why I feel so heavy right now. I know nothing is actually wrong in my life. I know I should not feel this anxious or this sad. But here I am."
If that sounds familiar, let's talk about what might actually be going on.
What retrograde season actually does to a sensitive nervous system
First, a quick middle-ground explanation for those of you who are somewhat familiar with astrology but do not consider yourselves experts. A planet in retrograde is not actually moving backward. It is an optical illusion based on the relative movement of Earth and that planet in their orbits. But what astrology teaches, and what many of my clients experience viscerally, is that retrograde periods tend to bring a slowing down, an inward pull, and a stirring up of energy that was already present beneath the surface.
Part of the Woo-Fluent™ Series: When the planets shift, sensitive nervous systems feel it first. Here is what is actually happening and what to do about it.
Hi, I am Laura Zane, a licensed therapist and the creator of the Woo-Fluent™ framework at Sage Synergy Counseling and Wellness. I work with highly sensitive, neurodivergent, and empathic women throughout Florida who feel things deeply and are done pretending they do not. I am also someone who takes planetary energy seriously. Not as a replacement for clinical thinking, but as a real and valid layer of the human experience that most therapists will not talk about with you. I will.
Photo by: Am on Unsplash
So let me tell you what I have been hearing a lot lately in my practice. Variations of this: "I do not know why I feel so heavy right now. I know nothing is actually wrong in my life. I know I should not feel this anxious or this sad. But here I am." And that is something that comes up every single retrograde cycle, like clockwork. If that sounds familiar, let's talk about what might actually be going on.
What retrograde season actually does to a sensitive nervous system
First, a quick middle-ground explanation for those of you who are somewhat familiar with astrology but do not consider yourselves experts. A planet in retrograde is not actually moving backward. It is an optical illusion based on the relative movement of Earth and that planet in their orbits. But what astrology teaches, and what many of my clients experience viscerally, is that retrograde periods tend to bring a slowing down, an inward pull, and a stirring up of energy that was already present beneath the surface.
When multiple planets are in retrograde at the same time, that amplification compounds. For most people this might look like technology glitches, miscommunications, or a general sense of things feeling off. For empaths and highly sensitive people it can feel like a full nervous system overload. The emotional volume of everything gets turned way up.
"Just because you are feeling it does not mean it is yours. And just because the timing feels cosmic does not mean you are making it up."
Here is what I want you to understand clinically and cosmically. Your nervous system as a highly sensitive or empathic person is already processing more information than the average person. You absorb the emotional states of people around you. You pick up on the energy in a room before anyone has said a word. You feel the collective weight of what is happening in your community, your news feed, your environment. That is not metaphor. That is how your system works.
When retrograde energy amplifies the collective field, your already-sensitive system absorbs more of it. The sadness you are feeling may not be about your life at all. It may be the grief of your community, the anxiety of the people closest to you, or the energetic weight of something much larger than your personal circumstances. That is real. And it deserves to be taken seriously.
Your environment is part of your emotional landscape too
This is something I talk about with my Florida clients especially. We live in a state where environmental issues like red tide, algae blooms, and water quality concerns are not just news stories. They are felt. If you are a sensitive person who loves the water, who feels connected to the natural world, and who picks up on collective distress, local environmental suffering lands in your body differently than it does for others.
This is not weakness. This is your nervous system doing exactly what it is built to do. The challenge is learning to acknowledge what you are absorbing without drowning in it. Feeling the weight of the world is part of being wired the way you are. Carrying it as if it is all yours to fix is where it becomes unsustainable.
How to tell what is yours and what belongs to the collective
This is the most important practice I teach empaths and highly sensitive people, and retrograde season is when it matters most. Mindfulness gives us a way to pause, observe, and get curious about our experience rather than just being swept away by it.
The retrograde check-in practice
Pause before you personalize. When a heavy feeling arrives, especially one without a clear source, stop before you start writing a story about what it means about your life. Ask first: was I feeling this before I opened social media, before I talked to that person, before I read that news story?
Do a personal inventory. Is there something actually happening in my own life right now that would explain this feeling? If you genuinely cannot find the source in your own circumstances, the feeling may belong to the collective field, not to your personal story.
Ground yourself physically. Feel your feet on the floor. Put your hands on your belly. Take three slow breaths. Grounding brings you back into your own body and helps you separate your emotional baseline from what you have absorbed from outside yourself.
Limit your energetic intake. During heavy retrograde seasons, this is not the time to scroll endlessly, have the big hard conversations, or take on everyone else's problems. Protect your field intentionally. This is not avoidance. It is nervous system hygiene.
Do what is yours to do and release the rest. You do not have to fix the world. Figure out what is actually in your power, your small sphere of influence, and put your energy there. Sign the petition. Show up for the friend. Rest so you have something to give tomorrow. Then consciously release what is not yours to carry.
You are an analyzer by nature. Retrograde amplifies that too.
One of the hallmarks of being highly sensitive or neurodivergent is a tendency toward deep analysis. You do not just feel things, you think about why you feel them, what they mean, what you should do about them, and what it says about you that you feel them at all. During retrograde season this analytical loop can go into overdrive.
Mindfulness is not about stopping the analysis. It is about creating a little bit of space between the feeling and the story you are building around it. When you can observe your own process with some curiosity rather than getting completely consumed by it, you reclaim your ability to choose how to respond rather than just react.
That space is where your clarity lives. And it is accessible to you even when the planetary energy is heavy and the collective field is loud.
You cannot save the world. That is actually okay.
Empaths and highly sensitive people tend to feel responsible for everything. The suffering in the news. The struggling friend. The state of the waterways. The collective grief of an entire community during a difficult season. When you feel it all so deeply it is natural to want to fix it all.
But here is what I come back to with my clients again and again. Even the smallest action taken with intention creates a ripple effect. You do not have to carry all of it to matter. You just have to show up for the piece that is genuinely yours. Maybe that is signing a petition. Maybe it is making sure you get enough sleep so you have something to give the people who need you most. Maybe it is recognizing that right now your job is to take care of yourself, and that is enough.
The idea that start local and affect global is not a consolation prize. It is actually how change works. And it is how sustainable, sensitive people stay in the game long term rather than burning out completely by trying to hold everything at once.
Frequently asked questions
Is it really possible that planetary retrograde affects how I feel emotionally?
From a clinical perspective, I can tell you that collective energy is real. When large numbers of people are experiencing heightened anxiety, grief, or overwhelm simultaneously, that collective state ripples through social networks, media, and direct human contact in ways that affect all of us. For highly sensitive people and empaths who are already wired to absorb the emotional states of others, those collective shifts land harder and faster. Whether you attribute that to planetary influence, collective consciousness, or pure nervous system sensitivity, the experience is valid and the tools for managing it are the same.
Why does Mercury retrograde seem to hit me harder than other people?
Mercury retrograde is associated with communication, technology, and mental processing. For neurodivergent and highly sensitive people whose nervous systems are already working overtime to process information, a period that energetically amplifies those same areas can feel particularly destabilizing. You are not imagining it. Your system is just more finely tuned to those frequencies than the average person.
How do I protect my energy during heavy astrological seasons without becoming isolated?
The goal is not to disconnect from the world. It is to engage with it more intentionally. During heavy seasons that means being selective about what you consume and when, building in more grounding and recovery time than usual, choosing your social interactions with more care, and having a daily practice that brings you back to your own baseline. You can stay connected and protective at the same time. It just requires more intentionality than it does during easier seasons.
I identify as an intuitive or empath but I also have ADHD. Does that make retrograde season harder?
Often yes. ADHD nervous systems already struggle with emotional regulation, rejection sensitivity, and the ability to filter out what is not immediately relevant. Add the amplified collective energy of a retrograde period on top of a system that is already processing a lot, and the overwhelm can feel really significant. Working with a therapist who understands both the neurodivergent experience and the empathic or intuitive experience makes a real difference during these seasons.
Is it okay to take a break from the news and social media during retrograde?
Not only is it okay, for many highly sensitive and empathic people it is genuinely necessary. There is nothing spiritually or ethically wrong with protecting your nervous system during a heavy season. Staying informed does not require you to be continuously immersed in distressing content. You can care deeply about the world and still give yourself permission to step back and recharge. In fact for sensitive people, rest is often how you build the capacity to keep showing up.
How is what you do different from seeing a regular therapist?
I bring two decades of clinical training and licensure alongside a genuine, lived understanding of what it means to be highly sensitive, neurodivergent, and spiritually aware. I am not going to pathologize your intuitive gifts, dismiss your experience of collective energy, or ask you to leave your spiritual framework at the door. I call this being Woo-Fluent™. It means I speak both languages, clinical and cosmic, and I will not make you choose between them in our work together.
Ready to stop white-knuckling your way through every heavy season?
If you are a highly sensitive, neurodivergent, or empathic woman in Florida who is tired of feeling everything and not knowing what to do with it, I would love to work with you. Through online therapy we can build the grounding practices, energetic boundaries, and self-awareness that let you stay connected to the world without drowning in it. Bring a willing heart. I will bring the tea.
Does this resonate, but therapy is not what you are looking for right now?
There is an important distinction between therapy and spiritual coaching, and both are valid paths depending on where you are. If you are looking for spiritual guidance, empath support, or intuitive coaching rather than clinical mental health treatment, that work lives at Coaching for Empaths. Visit the link below to learn more about how we can work together outside the therapy room.
Sailing Smoothly: Carnival Cruise Lines and KultureCity Partner to Create Sensory-Friendly Vacations and 11 Tips for Sailing with Sensory Issues
As a therapist who specializes in working with Highly Sensitive People and neurodivergent individuals, and being a sensitive person myself, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Carnival Cruise Lines had made significant adjustments to address sensory sensitivities. It was heartening to see that they had implemented measures to accommodate passengers like me.
Recently, I embarked on my second cruise adventure with Carnival Cruise Lines and had a sensory-sensitive revelation that I just had to share. While I'm far from a cruise expert, I felt compelled to commend Carnival Cruise Lines for their remarkable partnership with KultureCity, transforming the cruise experience for travelers like me who have heightened sensory awareness.
My first cruise, a pre-Covid 3-day voyage to Cancun, Mexico, was undeniably enjoyable. It was just my husband and I, and not having to worry about food or kids…as well as meeting some friends, really made the cruise a vacation. However, as someone who tends to get overwhelmed by excessive stimulation, spending three days amidst a bustling cruise ship presented it’s challenges. Navigating through the mid-deck to reach food became a sensory journey of its own: music blaring, casino bells chiming, the scent of smoke wafting through the air, abrupt temperature shifts as I moved from indoor to outdoor areas, and the constant shift in lighting conditions. Not to mention, the sheer number of fellow passengers made it feel overwhelming. To avoid the crowd, I often resorted to traversing the lower decks, even though it meant a longer route. Our cabin, though a welcome retreat, was positioned in a high-traffic hallway, making uninterrupted sleep a rare luxury for this light sleeper.
So, when my husband proposed a second cruise as a special gift for my 50th birthday, my initial reaction was mixed. On one hand, the prospect of not having to worry about cooking and cleanup for a week was enticing. (Have I mentioned how much I hate cooking, well not actually cooking, it’s the clean-up) On the other hand, I wondered if I would once again be engulfed in sensory overload. This time, however, I came prepared. I packed my Loop earplugs (see my unboxing video here) and my trusty essential oils. I also brought a fan to help with temperature control. Excitement and apprehension warred within me as I contemplated five days on the cruise ship, sharing a cabin with our teenagers. Would I endure sensory overwhelm, potentially ruining our vacation?
As a therapist who specializes in working with Highly Sensitive People and neurodivergent individuals, and being a sensitive person myself, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Carnival Cruise Lines had made significant adjustments to address issues for those of us prone to sensory sensitivities. It was heartening to see that they had implemented measures to accommodate passengers like me.
So, what exactly does being Sensory Certified entail? It means that Carnival now has customer-facing staff trained to understand the unique needs of individuals with various sensory challenges, including Down Syndrome, Autism, ADHD, PTSD, and more. Carnival, in collaboration with KultureCity, introduced VIP Lanyards that staff could use to easily identify passengers who might require additional support. One of the highlights of our cruise was the silent disco night held on the mid-deck, which attracted a substantial crowd. In addition, the nightclubs now featured closed doors to minimize disruptions to those passing by. A welcome change from my initial cruise with Carnival.
First, the lines for food were noticeably shorter, reducing the sensory stress of waiting in crowded spaces. Second, their updated HUB app allowed guests to make reservations at their assigned restaurant, receiving a convenient text notification when their table was ready. This allowed for us to hang out in quieter spaces while waiting. However, the most remarkable change was Carnival's introduction of sensory kits that could be borrowed during the cruise. To my immense joy and that of my sensory-sensitive family, Carnival had forged a partnership with the non-profit organization, "KultureCity," becoming the first Sensory Certified cruise line in the process..
For me, these thoughtful changes made my cruise an absolute delight. Carnival Cruise Lines' commitment to inclusivity and their partnership with KultureCity have transformed the cruise experience for individuals like me, turning what could have been a sensory overload into a genuinely enjoyable vacation. Whether you're a seasoned cruiser or considering your first voyage, Carnival's dedication to creating a sensory-friendly environment deserves recognition and applause.
In a twist of fate, our initially planned 5-day cruise turned into a memorable 7-day journey as we found ourselves tailing a hurricane, which resulted in the closure of our intended ports of call. During these unforeseen extra days at sea, Carnival Cruise Lines truly shone in their commitment to ensuring the well-being and satisfaction of their guests. The crew, with a special shout out to Todd (T-O- double “D”) for sharing his positive energy, went above and beyond to keep everyone informed about the situation, making regular announcements and providing updates on the evolving weather conditions. Despite the unexpected extension of our voyage, Carnival continued to offer top-notch service and entertainment, maintaining the high standards they are known for. It was a testament to their dedication that, even in the face of an unforeseen challenge, they managed to turn it into an adventure, and our extended cruise became a treasured memory.
Now, for those who may embark on a cruise with sensory sensitivities like mine, here are some valuable tips to enhance your experience:
Your 11 Tips to To Cruising with Sensory Issues
1. **Travel with Headphones/Earplugs:** Always carry noise-canceling headphones or earplugs to create your personal oasis amidst the ship's vibrant atmosphere.
2. **Choose a Quieter Room Location:** Opt for staterooms located toward the front or back of the ship to minimize exposure to constant foot traffic and public spaces.
3. **Select Rooms Below Inactive Decks:** Avoid rooms beneath active decks or venues to reduce disturbances from overhead activities.
4. **Be Cautious of Casino Proximity:** Stay away from rooms near the casino if you're sensitive to cigarette smoke to avoid unpleasant odors.
5. **Bring a Portable Fan:** Portable fans offer white noise and temperature control, creating a comfortable and peaceful environment.
6. **Consider Inside Cabins for Sleep:** Inside cabins may lack views but are often quieter and ideal for restful sleep.
7. **Request a Sensory Kit Early:** Contact guest services early in your cruise to request a sensory kit for managing sensitivities.
8. **Make Restaurant Reservations Online:** Use the cruise line's app or platform to reserve tables and avoid long waits in crowded dining areas.
9. **Discover Quiet Spots:** Explore the ship to find serene, secluded areas that resonate with you for moments of relaxation.
10. **Pack Sunglasses:** Sunglasses reduce glare and enhance outdoor comfort, shielding your eyes from bright sunlight.
11. **Adjust Your Schedule:** Plan activities during off-peak hours to avoid crowds and enjoy popular attractions with fewer people around.
For more information about Carnival Cruise Lines' Sensory Certification, you can visit their official website here. To learn more about KultureCity's partnership with Carnival, please visit their website here.
Keywords: Carnival Cruise Lines, KultureCity, Sensory Certified cruise line, sensory-sensitive travelers, neurodivergent, highly sensitive people, sensory overload, cruise vacation, sensory kit, VIP Lanyards, silent disco night, weighted blankets, sensory games, conversation cards, hurricane extension, exceptional guest care, cruising tips for sensitive travelers, sensitive therapist, Florida
The Women I Know
The women I know are drowning in the overwhelm of to do lists, work, child care, home management and adapting to the ever-changing needs of the pandemic. We are just able to get it together long enough to come up for a breath of air, before the next wave of the unknown hits pulls us back under.
I just read a meme that said something to the effect of women want to be recognized for all the things they do, and then listed all the things that women do. While I get the intention behind it, and women do want their partners to understand all that they do, the women I know are not looking for recognition from our counterparts. Recognition seems patronizing when you are drowning in the mental load ocean, the wave of each new task that pops up pulling you into the undertow of daily life. The women I know are drowning in the overwhelm of to do lists, work, child care, home management and adapting to the ever-changing needs of the pandemic. We are just able to get it together long enough to come up for a breath of air, before the next wave of the unknown hits pulls us back under.
image of woman Drowning by @blakecheekk, signifying women drowning in their Mental Load
The women I know are not physically alone, but they feel emotionally in it alone. I hear it frequently. “My partner is a great partner, they change diapers, do laundry, cook, help around the house. However, it is the mental load we don’t share.” The women I know say “I have to tell them what needs to be done, what needs to happen, it is as almost as exhausting as having to do it myself.” The women I know are so tired of keeping up mentally with everything that they have to-do lists, on top of to-do lists, on top of to-do lists. They keep organized on their phones, their planners, their shared calendars. They star and flag emails and have google and Alexa tell them what to-do next lists. They carry the weight of the family doctor’s appointments, children’s activities, bill due dates, car maintenance, home maintenance, and any emergencies that come up whether it be in the home, with the kids or at work and sometimes aging parents and in-laws. The women I know are so capable that their partners think they have it all under control, and they don’t need to help. The women I know have asked for help, for their partners to take over the mental load, and the response is often “Just tell me what to do, I got you.” However, it isn’t a just tell me what to do situation. It is a major rehaul in the way that we are doing relationships that needs to happen.
According to the US Census Bureau:
At the onset of the pandemic, the share of mothers actively working decreased more than fathers. Mothers declined 21.1 percentage points while the share of fathers dropped 14.7 points in April 2020 compared to the previous month and to the same month the previous year.
The two most cited reasons are:
· Mothers are more likely to work in service and other jobs heavily impacted by pandemic closures.
· Mothers carry a heavier burden, on average, of unpaid domestic household chores and child care, which, during a pandemic that draws everyone into the home, disrupts parents’ ability to actively work for pay
In other words, women, mothers specifically are carrying a good portion of the care needing to be done for others and themselves. Therefore, the women I know are overwhelmed and drowning in to-do lists. It isn’t because their relationships started out this way, in fact, they often started out being pretty equal. However, when things got added, it was often it was just added to the woman’s to do list. It isn’t because women are not asking for help, it is because they are trying to do three to four full time jobs, when realistically they can handle maybe two full-time jobs effectively. These women are tired of delegating, because let’s face it, delegating itself is a job…that’s why most major companies have project managers.
So, what is the solution? In my mind, it is that couples need to start divvying things in a different way. Instead of women being project managers, relationships need to be ran more like businesses. Each partner needs to be responsible for a particular department, and while those departments may need to be interdependent on each other, one department does not need to tell the other department what to do to function. Each relationship may divide departments up differently depending on the strengths of the partners, but it needs to be negotiated, talked about, and decided as early in the relationship as possible. If not, to often the women I know are just adding more to their plate, without ever having anything ever taken off, and their partners, are keeping a consistent load to what they had prior to kids. In a business structure, as our business grows, we will often bring on more help, and it is easier to do so, because hopefully as our business grows, we are making more money. However, in a family structure, as our family grows, we may often take a financial hit. Therefore, it often goes to the person who will take it on, without discussion and too often that is the woman in the relationship, regardless of other responsibilities.
image by @nextfnlevel, woman holding baby on beach taking care of baby
In my humble opinion, this is a contributing factor as to why so many relationships head toward divorce. Women overwhelmed, tired and unable to take anymore are at their breaking points. They either decide that they can’t take anymore, or their partners decide that they are not the fun engaging person they used to be…they are now miserable drowning under all those to do lists, and the day to day becomes unbearable. So, they split. Here is the thing, upon splitting, the women I know, who have married responsible partners, suddenly get a rebalance. Their partners then become responsible for their own lives…their own doctor’s appointments, their own finances, their own car maintenance, and the kids half the time. The women are responsible for themselves and their children when their partners don’t have the kids. They have renegotiated the terms of their agreement and it feels freeing. It is disheartening at best. It is eroding away our concept of family at worst. Instead, I would like to see where couples don’t have to get divorced to renegotiate the defaulted responsibilities. Instead, I would like to see partners who are seeing their wives drowning to say “Hey, we have an unequal balance here, how can restructure so that the departments are more balanced?” I would like to see that it isn’t assumed that the woman can take on more, or that because she is capable, she can handle one more thing. I would like to see capable women not being given more because they are capable. I would like to see couples begin being taught how to have conversations that negotiate responsibilities in healthy ways. I would like to see to-do lists broken down by department and shared by family members. Each family member taking on responsibilities appropriate to their age and capability.
The women I know don’t need to be recognized. The women I know need to be encouraged to negotiate their roles and be supported when they do. The women I know need to have a few of their to-do lists re-distributed and they need time for themselves. The women I know want their partnerships to work, want to raise great kids, want to work, want to have decent homes and vehicles, they just don’t want to drown doing it. All I am saying is that women are needing a high five while their drowning, they want partners that help them paddle.
It's not Personal, I just don't want to hang out with you.
This is going to sound awful. The thing it, it is not personal, I just don’t want to hang out with you. I really don’t like people. I mean, I like them well enough. I love working with people, I love my career. I love being a Mom, a wife, and a friend. I love giving to others. It’s just, I am an introvert and an extrovert. I fall right on the line, in between the two on all of those personality scales they make you take in school. So, the thing is, that after spending the day with people, giving presence and support, at night, I don’t necessarily want to hang out. Most evenings, I just want to sit home, give time to my kids and husband, veg, play on facebook, read, do lone tasks that allow me to nurture my introvert side.
Occasionally, it makes me feel like a bad friend. At times, I have had people get mad at me because they don’t feel like I am present enough for them. They deserve that. Everyone deserves friends that are involved and available. You deserve someone that can be fully present, that can listen to your concerns. You deserve a friend that will spend hours with you on the phone. You deserve someone that can really help you problem solve. The thing is, I am not necessarily the person that will be able to meet those expectations. If I have worked all day, or had a particularly hard week, I can’t be that emotional support for you. I can’t hang out and listen to your problems. I can’t encourage you, or be your cheerleader. I can’t because I am having to focus that energy on being present for myself…I have used all my energy for that day. I can’t choose you over me. Please know though, it is not really about you, it is my need to recharge and revive. I care deeply about you. I am setting boundaries with you, so that I can care for me. It is hard for me to set these boundaries, it is hard for me to say “No.” However, I have learned that sometimes, in the line of work I have chosen, I have to go inward. I have to check out. I have to be self centered. I have to self care, or ultimately, I can not do what I do.
Please know, that if I can, I will give. If I can do it without draining myself, I will. When we do hang out though, I want to be fully present. I want t both enjoy you and be enjoyable. I want to listen, laugh, and spend time with the people I care about in ways that are meaningful. I want to actually be there for you. So if that means that to be present, I have to hang out less, and exchange quality for quantity, I am willing to do so. Just know, if I say no, I can’t hang out, it’s not personal. I am just keeping a promise to myself to self care. My hope will be that you will do the same. I will expect you to not want to hang out, need to self care and I will appreciate the time we have. I will not take it personal.
Love and Healing,
Laura
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My interpretation of Christine Miserandino's 2003 essay "The Spoon Theory.
Title: "Spoon Theory Explained: Self-Care for Highly Sensitive People"
Description:
Welcome to our vlog, where we embark on a journey into the world of self-care, tailored especially for highly sensitive individuals. 🥄✨
Are you a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)? Do you often find yourself needing more self-care than most people in your life? If so, you're in the right place. In this vlog, we're delving deep into Christine Miserandino's thought-provoking 2003 essay, "The Spoon Theory." While originally designed to explain the daily struggles of those with physical illnesses, we'll explore how it resonates profoundly with those who identify as highly sensitive.
You see, being a highly sensitive person isn't just about emotional reactions to the world; it encompasses a heightened sensitivity to various stimuli, including emotions, environments, and even the energy of others. This sensitivity can sometimes lead to feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, or exhaustion. But, fret not, because here, we'll show you how "The Spoon Theory" can help highly sensitive individuals manage their energy and prioritize self-care.
In a world that often feels overwhelming, remember that self-care isn't selfish—it's essential! Together, let's navigate the intricacies of self-care and empowerment, making life a bit more manageable and a lot more enjoyable. 💖
Hashtags: #SpoonTheory #SelfCare #HighlySensitive #MentalHealth #InvisibleIllness #Anxiety #Depression #EmotionalWellBeing
I am not pefect, I am a therapist!
I had a friend say to me, “Oh my god, I am so glad to hear you lose it, it makes me feel better to know you are a therapist and sometimes lose your cool.” Uhm, yes…I am human. I lose my mind, I curse, at times I do stupid stuff…this morning, half way through my morning, I realized I had my pants on backwards…they are yoga pants, do they really have a front and a back? The thing is, when you are sitting on this side of the couch, it is easy to appear like you have it all together and you are perfect. Spend twenty minutes with me though, and you will know that is far from how I see myself. Far from how I live my life.
I make mistakes. My kids drive me crazy. Sometimes, I yell and then have the Mommy guilt afterward. I forget to get my oil changed. I frequently lose my keys. Occasionally, I want to leave it all behind and go sit drinking some kind of fru-fru drink in Bora Bora. I am human. It is that humaneness that gives me compassion, kindness and understanding of my clients. I wouldn’t want it to be any other way. I have been on both sides of the couch, and well the therapist that just sits there, and does not show me their humanity, is not the one I want or need. I need to know that you are real…that you screw up. How do you expect me to be vulnerable with you, if I think that you are perfect? I hope that I can offer my clients the same. I hope that they can see my imperfections, and feel safe to be vulnerable…I mean that whole opening yourself up is hard enough…let alone to someone who can’t let you see them.
As I sit across the couch from you, there is no judgement. Why? Because I know you are learning. I know what if feels like to try to figure out your path, and to fall off of it. I screw up too. I want those in my life to offer me the same kind of positive regard I try and offer my clients. There are going to be times I am off base, run late, or am just struggling. There are times when I have had an argument with a loved one, and while I try to check it at the door, and be fully present for you, my thoughts may wander for a minute. I could try and hide it, but as my client, you will see I don’t hide my emotions well, and comment. I will own it, and refocus. There will be other times, that I see and feel your pain so deeply, that I will tear up with you. My focus so on that you will think I have read your mind. You see, I am not perfect. I see it in you, and you see it in me.
I often joke that perfection is like a unicorn, you can chase it all day, but even if you do catch it, it will end up being a goat. No one is perfect. However, I am perfectly imperfect. I own my imperfections. I try and make them better. I try and make healthy choices, and sometimes I royally mess things up. However, I learn. That is my gift to my clients. I learn and I am willing to share those experiences with you. I am willing to be real with you. In doing so, I create a safe place to witness your mistakes because I was fortunate enough to have someone along the line witness mine. They held me accountable with love, and now that I have done a good deal of healing, I can do the same for you. Hopefully, as we go through the process of healing, you are learning too. You will fall down, you will feel guilt, but in being your authentic self, you allow someone else to see you, which opens the door to healing wounds. That is the point of this whole exercise right? To learn, grow, change and find greater happiness? If we can embrace our humanity, and allow ourselves to love each other regardless…this thing we call life might just get a little easier.
YOU are just not my type of Crazy!
As a Mom of two, I frequently meet other Mommas, and hope there is a connection. I mean, there really should be a connection…our kids are the same age, they go to the same school/camp/club, our values are similar, we end up at the same events and are Facebook friends…yet when we talk, there isn’t a vibe. This used to happen when I was dating too, the guy seemed great, he was sweet, caring, we seemed to have similar values, yet he maybe didn’t get my quirky humor or couldn’t relate to those deeper things that mattered to me. Most of us have experienced this on some level. That whole feeling of on paper we are a perfect match, in reality…well, quite frankly it is easier talking to a wall. Now I am friendly enough with these people, however, I often walk away confused…like, “huh, everything seemed right…what went wrong there?” On the other hand, I have met people that look so different from me, yet when we meet there is such a deep connection that it feels like we are picking up a friendship that we left off just yesterday. (Maybe we are, past lives anyone?) It was like when we met, we were updating each other on our lives, and then returning to a friendship that had always been. I had a friend that used to call these people “Old Sames”. I love that.
So how come some people are the wall and others are the old sames? How can some feel so off, and others feel so right? What I have discovered is that they are just not my type of crazy. Over the years, I have discovered I don’t think like most people. I take those surveys on personality type and always fall in the 10 percent range….that means the reality is I don’t think like 90 percent of the population. This means that even if everything looks like it should be a match, it won’t always be, because I am seeing things through odd color lenses. As a kid into my early 20’s, I always thought that there was something wrong with me. I mean, how could there be so many people out there that just seem so bizarre to me? However, as I have begun to embrace my difference…I realized that there is nothing wrong with me, it’s just my connection to others take a little more time to grow. When I do connect, those connections are usually long-term, deep and fulfilling in a way that makes it worth the wait.
So, why am I sharing this? Who cares? Well the reality is that all of us occasionally see through odd color lenses. All of us have met those people who seemed like they should be a good fit, yet the connection is not there. During times of transition, like graduating college, getting married, becoming a mom, getting a divorce, going into a career, empty nesting, becoming the matriarch or patriarch in your family or retiring….you are redefining who you are, and what your role of in life is. When in motion, you may find it difficult to connect to your old sames. You are growing as a person, as a soul, and those around you may not fit into your particular crazy…especially if you are the first or last in your peer group to meet these milestones. Often, when we are in a growth period, we want to meet others like us, that are experiencing similar things…yet because we are growing, we are not providing stable grounds to plant or grow the gardens of friendship. During those growth periods, it is hard to find old sames. However, it is also time when you really crave finding those that are like you, and each perceived rejection or lack of fit can feel like an affirmation that you are odd and alone. The thing is, is that you are growing, and growth can be difficult and lonely…knowing that it doesn’t last forever, and knowing that your old sames are out there, and you will find them, just as soon as you are on stable grounds again can be comforting.
When I am not connecting, I try to remember that all things need room to grow and that those I am supposed to be connecting with are also growing parallel. (I often visualize baby oaks in the forest, as a sprout they are so tiny, young and far apart. As they grow, the space between them appears smaller and their branches begin to touch.) For example, I met this women in my birthing class, by all means, we had a lot in common, but did not really connect. Fast forward, 5 years, another child and the births of our individual businesses later, and we were old sames. We felt like we had known each other for years, even though we could not remember for months where we originally met. When we finally made the connection, the question was “How did we take months of classes together, but not connect?” Our crazy at the time did not match. We had to go through more experiences that helped us grow to a point where we could begin to discover the similarities of our paths. The great thing now, is that months can go by, and while we may not talk due to our busy lives, we know we can pick up the phone, and connect heart to heart, exactly where we left off.
As you continue to grow, your old sames will appear. Trust that if you feel you are walking alone, that you are not truly alone…your old sames are walking the path next to you. They are just veiled by the fog of your own personal crazy. As the mists dissipates or their crazy begins to grow into yours, you will begin to reconnect with those that were there all the while.