When the World Feels Heavy: A Mother and Therapist Reflects on Grief, Compassion, and Choosing Love

Grief Trigger Warning

Sometimes the world feels very heavy.
This is what was on my heart this morning.

Many people, especially highly sensitive and compassionate people, feel deeply affected by suffering in the world. When violence, war, or tragedy appear in the news, it can leave us feeling overwhelmed, heartbroken, or powerless.

Before anything else, I am a mother.

Yes, I am Laura.
I am a therapist.
I am a wife and partner, a sister, a daughter. I am many things in this life. But when my children were born, something shifted in me in a way that is hard to explain to anyone who has not experienced it.

No matter what other roles I hold in this world, I am always a mother first.

And this morning I woke up heavy.

The Grief Mothers Carry Across the World

There are little girls who left for school and never came home. An occurrence that should never happen, yet is repeated. There are mothers waiting for sons and daughters who may never return from war. There are children who will grow up without the parents who once held them. Every life lost is someone’s child.

Across oceans and across languages I can imagine the sound a mother makes when she realizes her child is gone. I can imagine that same sound from mothers here at home who fear for their children’s safety.

Grief like that needs no translation.

I struggle to understand how humans reach a place where violence becomes acceptable. Even the smallest forms of harm make me pause, so the loss of human life, any human life, feels unbearable to me.

When the World Feels Heavy and We Feel Powerless

I hear people say thoughts and prayers, and I know that is often a reaction to feeling powerless.

I feel powerless too.

And if I am honest, I am angry.

I feel anger toward the leaders and systems that move the world closer to violence instead of healing. I feel anger when human life begins to feel expendable in public conversations.

Part of me wants to shout that the people making these decisions should have to face the consequences themselves.

And another part of me remembers that every soldier, every child, every person caught in conflict is still someone’s child. Still innocent. Still loved by a mother somewhere.

Holding those two truths at the same time is painful.

The Connection Between Love, Anger, and Compassion

The anger I feel is real, but underneath it is something deeper.

Because hate is not the opposite of love.

Hate is the shadow side of love.

You only feel that kind of anger when something you love deeply feels threatened.

And what I love is life.
Children.
Families.
The fragile miracle that any of us are here at all.

Choosing Compassion in a World That Feels Heavy

Feeling grief for the world does not mean something is wrong with you; often it means your compassion is still very much alive. So I refuse to add more hatred to a world that already has too much of it.

Instead, I will do what I can.

I will do my best to help heal the people who sit across from me in my therapy room. I will raise my children to be compassionate humans. I will keep choosing love even on the days when anger would be easier.

I cannot change the entire world.

But I can care deeply for the small corner of it that is mine.

Today I grieve for mothers everywhere. The mothers across the ocean whose language I will never speak. The mothers here at home worried about their own children. The mothers who will wake up tomorrow and ask themselves what they did wrong.

Grief needs no translation.

Because when you are a mother, every child feels a little bit like your own.

The grief I feel today is the shadow of my compassion. It is what compassion looks like when it runs into a world that still chooses violence.

If I did not care so deeply about life, about children, about families, I would not feel this pain.

So I will not try to silence it.

I will let it remind me why compassion matters.

Maybe my small voice will not change the world.

But maybe it adds one small kernel of compassion to it.

And maybe, just maybe, that still matters.

I will honor that my vulnerability, my compassion, and my love are my strength.

If This Resonates With You

This reflection may resonate with you if:

• You feel overwhelmed or heartbroken when you hear about suffering in the world
• You are a highly sensitive or deeply compassionate person
• World events sometimes leave you feeling powerless or heavy
• You care deeply about humanity but struggle with how to hold that compassion without becoming overwhelmed
• You are trying to raise children with empathy and kindness in a complicated world

Feeling deeply is not a weakness. Often, it is a reflection of your capacity for compassion.

Questions People Often Ask When the World Feels Heavy

Why do world events affect me so strongly?
Many highly sensitive or empathetic people feel the suffering of others deeply. Hearing about tragedy, violence, or injustice can activate grief, fear, and compassion all at once.

Is it normal to feel both anger and compassion at the same time?
Yes. Anger often emerges when something we deeply love feels threatened. It is possible to hold anger and compassion together without letting anger turn into hatred.

How can I care about the world without becoming overwhelmed?
One way is to focus on the areas where you do have influence—your family, your community, your relationships. Compassion becomes sustainable when we channel it into meaningful action within our own sphere.

Can therapy help if the world feels emotionally overwhelming?
Yes. Therapy can help highly sensitive and compassionate people learn how to hold grief, anger, and empathy without becoming emotionally depleted.

Burnout in Highly Sensitive Women: Motherhood, Homeschooling, and Learning to Choose Less

Burnout often shows up differently in highly sensitive or neurodivergent women, especially during seasons like motherhood and homeschooling.

Burnout: My Journey to Less

Burnout is real (even when your life looks good on paper)

Burnout can show up differently in highly sensitive and neurodivergent women, especially during seasons of motherhood and when you have school aged children, especially if you decide to homeschool. What looked like anxiety or exhaustion in my life was actually a nervous system asking for a different pace, a different rhythm, and a different way of living. It took me years to realize that what I thought was anxiety or depression was actually burnout in a highly sensitive nervous system.

Burnout often looks different in highly sensitive or neurodivergent women. Instead of obvious collapse, it can look like constant exhaustion, frequent illness, feeling overwhelmed by everyday tasks, or wondering why everyone else seems able to handle more. Many women who later discover they are highly sensitive, ADHD, autistic, or AuDHD spend years believing they are simply “too much” or “not resilient enough,” when in reality their nervous systems are processing far more than most people realize

Why this matters: Burnout is real, and when you throw motherhood into the mix, it’s a whole new level of chaos. Let me take you on my journey through it. 😅

It all started after grad school, just after I’d bought a house and thought I was doing everything *right.* I went to my doctor, (who was used to seeing me every few weeks because I was constantly sick. I didn’t realize at the time my body was trying to tell me to rest, take it down a notch. I blamed it on a bad immune system and working with kids.) Anyway, there I was, sitting in my doctor’s office, tears streaming down my face. He asked, “What’s wrong?” and all I could say was, “I don’t know! Everything in my life is good—I just graduated, bought a house, life is great.” He looked at me, nodded, and reached for his prescription pad, saying,”You don’t have to feel this way, I can help.” Desperate, I nodded in agreement.

When Burnout looks like anxiety or depression

The meds helped… for a while. But deep down, I knew it wasn’t just depression, it wasn’t just anxiety. I didn’t know what it was at the time, I just knew that getting through the day was a task. I worked, and slept. 🙃 I had drained my energy reserves trying to juggle grad school, two jobs, and all the demands life threw at me. My plate was way too full, and I had no idea how to pace myself.

I mean, you’d think being a therapist, I’d understand burnout, right? But nope—I was too busy trying to be Do The Things… and wondering why I kept crashing into walls. It turns out that knowing all the theory doesn’t help when you’re busy ignoring the giant flashing “Warning: You’re Burning Out!” signs in your own life. 🤦‍♀️

Learning that Self-Care is more than bubble baths

Eventually, I did what any overwhelmed human would do—I started taking things off my plate. *Fast.* I learned to set boundaries and redefine self-care. And spoiler alert: self-care is way more than bubble baths and eating healthy. 🛁🌿 I needed real rest—more sleep, time to play, and moments to just *be.* I needed fewer commitments, fewer expectations, and more time outdoors.

Motherhood and the Return of Overwhelm

Gradually, I got better. And then… I became a mom. 👶 Just like that, the to-do lists multiplied overnight. The self-care strategies that had worked so well before? Out the window. Now, it was crying babies, endless time commitments, and the exhaustion of keeping a tiny humans alive while trying to survive myself. The overwhelm was back, and I had to adjust—again.

So, I shifted gears. Soulful art became finger painting in the bathtub. 🎨 My quiet time morphed from Enya and candles to cuddles and Baby Mozart. 🍼 Priorities changed. The clean house? Less important. Being present? The new goal. I found moments where I could sink my feet into the grass while keeping my toddlers contained. I adjusted, and it worked… for a while.

But as my kids grew, so did the commitments—extracurriculars, school, work deadlines. It was all *too much.* And in the midst of this chaos, I decided to open my own business. This may seem counter-intuitive but I was tired. My thought was if I am dumping all this time into someone else’s vision, why not do it for myself, my way. I needed more control, I needed to do things on my terms. This was a game-changer, giving me a chance to create a schedule that worked for me, to slow down the grind while still supporting my family.

Discovering I was a Highly Sensitive Person and why burnout suddenly made sense

Then, by chance, by happenstance, through synchronicty, I am not sure how I got there honestly, but I came across the term Highly Sensitive by Elaine Aron. Insert deep dive here, and I realized I was highly sensitive. Trying to keep up with “normies” (no offense, normies, I love you) was just not in the cards for me. I couldn't compare my schedule to others. I had to accept that I was wired differently, that my energy had limits, and that burning myself out trying to meet everyone else's expectations was never going to work. I needed to play by my own rules.

But burnout? It’s a sneaky beast. Some mornings, even getting out of bed felt impossible. Staying awake past my kids’ bedtime? Forget about it. I often fell asleep moments after tucking them in, sometimes even in their beds. If I tried pushing past and staying up late, my body reminded me to rest by getting sick and forcing me back to bed.

My self-care was pretty good. Monthly acupuncture, Check. Good sleep, Check. Eating healthy, Check. Leaning into others, still a struggle. Making sure I set boundaries, Check. However, the drowning feeling was still there. I was managing, but not living fully.

The Unexpected Nervous System Reset

Then came COVID. Our lives, like everyone else’s, turned upside down. The kids came home, and I shifted to doing virtual therapy. I closed my physical office—a space I had poured my heart into creating—and with a heavy heart, I re-evaluated *everything.* When the next school year came, I decided to homeschool. It started as a practical decision because of the pandemic, but it turned out to be an unexpected gift. 🌟

Gone were the daily battles over time, the morning rushes, the “GET YOUR SHOES ON NOW!” meltdowns. We traded those for schoolwork done in pajamas, laundry tossed in between clients, and well-rested kids who no longer had to face after-school homework wars.

For my family, the pandemic, despite all its hardships, actually reduced our stress. And as the world started to return to “normal,” I realized I didn't want to go back. I didn't want the chaos, the frantic pace, the burnout.

Choosing a Slower Life

So, we chose *less*. Not as some radical act of rebellion, but as a conscious choice for calm and sanity. In all that hustle, I hadn't even realized my boys were feeling burned out too. Most of our conflicts came from being bone-tired or being hungry and not being able to get food on the table fast enough. We were done with the fast-paced, on-demand lifestyle. We needed a slower rhythm, more time to recover. ❤️

Now, four years into homeschooling, we sleep more than most families. We have less structure. We have one or two activities, and social events are maybe once a week. Our house? Still not always clean. Often, we're home together but each in our own space, doing our own thing. Our time still includes cuddles on the couch, game nights, and things that are slower paced.

Like all moms, I worry whether I'm doing things right. Will my kids be stereotyped as "awkward homeschoolers"? Am I harming them by not making their childhood more demanding? Honestly, I don't have the answers to those questions yet. What I do know is that I've been able to preserve my sanity. I don't fight with my kids as much, and our time as a family is peaceful. Maybe I can send them into the world without their nervous systems being on fire, without starting adulthood already burned out. If that's the case, I'll take the awkwardness. 🙂

Many of the women I work with are highly sensitive, neurodivergent, creative, or homeschooling parents who have spent years trying to function at a pace that simply doesn’t fit their nervous system. Therapy can help you understand your wiring, reduce burnout, and build a life that supports your energy instead of constantly draining it.

By choosing less, I found more—more time, more peace, more connection. Maybe you can too! Sometimes, the best decision is the one that lets you just *breathe*.

If this story resonates with you it could be because…

• You’re a highly sensitive woman who feels overwhelmed by the pace of modern life
• You suspect you may be neurodivergent (ADHD, autistic, or AuDHD) but were never recognized growing up
• You’re a thoughtful, creative, or intuitive person who absorbs the emotions and needs of everyone around you
• You’re a homeschooling or alternative-education parent trying to create a calmer life for your family
• You’re capable, insightful, and responsible… but constantly exhausted

If you think you are ready to start therapy, schedule a free consult.

Questions Highly Sensitive and Neurodivergent Women Often Ask

Why do highly sensitive women burn out more easily?
Highly sensitive nervous systems process more emotional and sensory input, which can lead to faster exhaustion when life becomes overwhelming.

Can burnout look like anxiety or depression?
Yes. Burnout can show up as exhaustion, irritability, frequent illness, emotional overwhelm, or feeling like even simple tasks require enormous effort.

Can therapy help highly sensitive or neurodivergent women with burnout?
Therapy can help you understand how your nervous system works, develop boundaries that protect your energy, and create a life rhythm that supports rather than overwhelms you.

With love and healing,

Laura 💖

Buy The PreCut Watermelon: a lesson in burnout, energy and letting yourself choose easier

Why “Doing It the Hard Way” Isn’t Always Better

Like many highly sensitive, neurodivergent, or overwhelmed parents, I struggle with eating. Well, not really eating, I love eating. I struggle with meal prep, the cleaning…often before and after. The planning. I struggle with the rinse, wash, and repeat meals. I work from home and homeschool two boys, a teen and an almost teen…and well the reality is our refrigerator should have a revolving door on it.  As my kids have gotten older, meal prep has been easier, they can make their own food. However, it takes forever to train little humans, and often, while food has been prepared, the never-ending dishes are spread all over the counter. The sink has piled up, they have not quite learned the art of “clean as you go”.  Meal prep is on ongoing stressor. I know I am not alone; my family is not unique, this is the case for many families. For parents already balancing work, family, and mental load, these small daily demands can slowly add up to real burnout. So, what does this have to do with precut watermelon?

The Pre-Cut Watermelon Incident

Shortly after my second son was born, a family member had a get together at their home. It was a crab feast, which I was extremely excited about. Moving to Florida from the Northeast, getting blue crab from back home was a rare, albeit expensive experience. So, besides being taught that you bring something to contribute when there is a gathering, I wanted to show appreciation for the host. The morning of, with a newborn and 4-year-old in tow, we are excitedly on our way to devour some nostalgia. Although feeling stressed about already running late, I made my husband stop at the store, and get 2 packages of precut watermelon,  a couple bottles of my favorite wine and flowers for the host.

Now, why watermelon? Well, because as any person from the Northeast knows, it is THE FOOD that goes with a crab feast, along with ears of grilled corn and some sliced tomatoes. It just is. I had my husband get precut, because with a newborn that I was still breastfeeding, and a toddler, I knew I was already going to be overwhelmed. MY HANDS were going to be full, feeding the baby, chasing the toddler, doing those things that Moms do at gatherings.  On top of that, this was an extended family gathering, and while I love family gatherings, a large one like this, leaves me emotionally and physically drained. Getting the precut watermelon just seemed like one less thing to worry about.

When a Small Choice Becomes a Big Judgment

However, little did I know that getting precut watermelon was going to create a conflict. My husband and I brought in the watermelon, wine, and flowers, set them down in the kitchen, and went outside to give the family hugs and hellos.  Despite being late, we were one of the first of the local relatives to arrive. While I was outside taking care of the formalities, the host came in from outside, went into the kitchen and put the flowers in a vase.

Shortly after, I walk back into the house, and sit at the table. The host begins commenting, “OH, someone must be making a lot of money if they can buy precut watermelon.” Amid noticing a smell, and getting up to do a diaper check, I think…nope, not going there. Mind you, this is the same host that has spent a lot of money on having blue crab brought in from another state and the watermelon is sitting next to my favorite wine. So, the host KNOWS who brought the watermelon. No comment was made on the flowers that were now in the vase.

Another family member walks in, loaded with kids stuff, no party contributions, children in tow and attention is drawn to them. Grateful for the disruption, I begin to engage them.

Shortly after, the host begins commenting  again, “ Gosh, somebody makes a lot of money bringing in precut watermelon.”  Another family member arrives very late,  empty handed except for the ton of stuff she needed for her littles, babies in tow, crying…puts stuff down, goes “Oh, thank god, watermelon, grabs a piece for the crying child, hands it to them and then grabs a piece for herself.”  At this point I am thinking, did I miss the memo that we are not supposed to contribute? However,  I am thankful for having a large family to take some of the pressure off, thinking to myself surely this will be the end of it.

With a fresh diaper in place, I  begin to breastfeed my son on the couch. I am looking forward to that one glass of wine, after I feed him, because I know if I time it right, I won’t need to do a pump and dump. Who wants to waste their liquid gold?  This is when the host’s comment comes in for the third time, even louder- “SOMEBODY MUST BE MAKING A LOT OF MONEY IF THEY BOUGHT PRECUT WATERMELON.” A fourth family member walks in, grabs a piece of the watermelon, pops it his mouth and says “Wasn’t me, but it is good.”

It was never about the watermelon.

It Was Never About the Watermelon.

Frustrated, and realizing that ignoring the comments is futile, I respond… “I bought the precut watermelon, and it’s not about making a lot of money, it was about convenience with a toddler and a newborn and wanting to contribute.”  The host replies “Well, it’s too expensive and you should have bought a whole watermelon.”  I responded. “Okay, I just wanted to contribute, I know the cost of the crab was expensive and it was supposed to be a thank you.”  Things escalated from there, with the host chastising me about how I am always trying to show off that I make more money. Confused, and feeling attacked, I responded “It is watermelon.”  They responded, “Expensive watermelon.” I went on to try and explain, thinking if I explained, it would surely help. “Look, I wanted to contribute, but with the baby, I needed to do something easy and wanted watermelon to go with the crabs. I was not trying to show off.”  My explanation failed to do its job, and instead, things were getting even more heated.

Knowing this was not a rational battle, I knew it was best not to engage. However, I had conflicting emotions: my fiery, redhead, Irish,  Leo side not wanting to back down, and my protective mother side not wanting my babies to see or feel this tension. My protective mothering side won, and my husband and I chose to leave. We didn’t eat the crab, the corn, the tomatoes, or the precut watermelon. I didn’t get my glass of wine with the family. We stopped at a seafood place on the way home, it wasn’t blue crab, it didn’t have childhood nostalgia connected to it, but it didn’t have the bitter taste of resentment either.

The Guilt That Followed Me

Fast forward, two older children, working full time, overwhelmed by the day to day, I am stressed. Meal prep is still hard, food is still hard. Eating out is expensive, and I am trying to find balance. I still buy precut veggies and fruits if I know it is going to be a heavy week. However, my relatives voice kicks in, “THAT IS EXPENSIVE.” The guilt kicks in. My family does okay because we have two working adults and we budget, but we pick and choose where we want to spend money. We are middle class and life is expensive.

At this stage of my life, I am past babies. However, I am still stressed and overwhelmed. Trying to break familial patterns, self-care, build a business, work as a therapist, be a wife, raise kids, keep house and doing my best to eat healthy and feed others…it is all just too much. I began to see a therapist; this wasn’t my first therapy go around, so I jumped right in.  In exploring my relationships and stressors, the watermelon story comes up. My therapist helps me sort out some of the deeper meanings, the hidden messages, the underlying beliefs that came with the precut watermelon. It was never about the watermelon.  It was about what I had been taught to believe about effort, money, and self-care.

Therapy Helped Me See the Real Lesson

Therapy helps me begin to see the ways buying precut foods was a form of self-care. My therapist tells me a story she read about a woman who would not run the dishwasher when it was half-full because she was taught to run it only when full. She felt guilty when she ran it half full. The problem was, if she waited until it was full, the needed items were in the dishwasher. She could hand wash them, but often didn’t have the energy, and felt like she was wasting water.  Here the therapist said “Run the dishwasher half full.” And the woman understood, it was better to run the dishwasher half full than it is to struggle with lack of energy, guilt and dirty dishes. My therapist’s  lesson sinks in, (pun intended) and I begin to try incorporate releasing guilt of things that I was taught in my family, that may not be serving me now.

Buy the Pre-Cut Watermelon: A Lesson in Self-Care

Time has gone on; my tween and teen and I are visiting with some friends. My friend is talking about being vegan…and I am curious. I want to try it, but is it difficult? My friend says, “Oh I order these premade box foods, you should try it! Here is my referral code.”  I respond, “Isn’t that expensive?” She replies, “Maybe? I think it is about the same though. With everything being precut and portioned, and easy to make, I save time and I think I save money because I don’t avoid cooking, things don’t go bad in the fridge, and I eat out less because it isn’t hard to make. Actually, I may save money in the long run.  A light bulb went off. IT IS SELF CARE. Rehearing her words…it is cheaper in the long run because I don’t eat out as much and I am more likely to make the food. Eating healthy, while maintaining energy is self-care.

One thing I didn’t understand and wasn’t connecting was that the watermelon was about self-care. Getting it precut was about saving energy and time, especially at a point in my life where that was limited. The person who complained it was expensive, was not good at self-care. They could not understand my need to buy precut watermelon, because they had not grown to the point in their life where their own self-care was a priority. I had unintentionally taken to heart advice and criticism from someone who had not learned to prioritize their own self-care. I was looking for reinforcement from someone who could not understand why I would spend more money on something that seemed frivolous.  My expectations of them were unrealistic. My expectations of myself to get them to understand were unrealistic. One cannot give you something they do not understand and cannot give themselves. My friend who was great at self-care improved my understanding because she had given it to herself. She understood that it was a form of prioritizing her well-being.  

Today, I buy precut veggies. Sometimes they are a little more expensive, and I notice the passing guilt.  I buy the precut fruit, and remind myself, it is okay.  I buy the precut watermelon. It gets eaten. We eat out less. I saved money.   Buy the precut watermelon, I tell myself, it is self-care. Instead of guilt, it is a reminder that selfcare isn’t just the big things like massages, getting your nails done and vacations. Healthy self-care is taking every day micro actions that help save you time and energy.   Occasionally, I will still hear: “It’s expensive” and the voice of self-love whispers “Yeah, and you are worth it.”

If This Story Feels Familiar…

• You’re a highly sensitive woman who feels overwhelmed by daily responsibilities
• You’re thoughtful and responsible but constantly exhausted
• You struggle with guilt when choosing convenience
• You’re balancing parenting, work, and life while trying to care for yourself
• You’re learning that self-care sometimes means choosing easier options

Questions Highly Sensitive/Neurodivergent Women Often Ask About Burnout and Self-Care

Why do small tasks sometimes feel overwhelming?
For highly sensitive or neurodivergent people, everyday tasks can require more mental and emotional energy because their nervous systems process more information throughout the day.

Is convenience sometimes a form of self-care?
Yes. Choosing options that save time and energy can help prevent burnout and allow you to focus your energy on the things that matter most.

Why do I feel guilty choosing easier options?
Many people were raised with beliefs about productivity, responsibility, and money that make convenience feel indulgent. These beliefs don’t always support well-being in adulthood.

Can therapy help with burnout and overwhelm?
Therapy can help you understand your energy patterns, challenge old beliefs about productivity and self-care, and build a lifestyle that supports your nervous system.

Many of the women I work with are highly sensitive or neurodivergent and have spent years trying to meet expectations that don’t match their energy. Therapy can help you create a life that supports your nervous system instead of constantly overwhelming it.

#SelfCare #Parenting #HealthyEating #FamilyGatherings #StressManagement #Convenience #TimeSaving #EmotionalWellbeing #HealthyLifestyle #GuiltFree #TherapyInsights #BalancedLife #PrioritizeSelfCare

The Women I Know

I just read a meme that said something to the effect of women want to be recognized for all the things they do, and then listed all the things that women do. While I get the intention behind it, and women do want their partners to understand all that they do, the women I know are not looking for recognition from our counterparts. Recognition seems patronizing when you are drowning in the mental load ocean, the wave of each new task that pops up pulling you into the undertow of daily life. The women I know are drowning in the overwhelm of to do lists, work, child care, home management and adapting to the ever-changing needs of the pandemic. We are just able to get it together long enough to come up for a breath of air, before the next wave of the unknown hits pulls us back under. 

image of woman Drowning by @blakecheekk, signifying women drowning in their Mental Load

The women I know are not physically alone, but they feel emotionally in it alone.  I hear it frequently. “My partner is a great partner, they change diapers, do laundry, cook, help around the house. However, it is the mental load we don’t share.” The women I know say “I have to tell them what needs to be done, what needs to happen, it is as almost as exhausting as having to do it myself.”  The women I know are so tired of keeping up mentally with everything that they have to-do lists, on top of to-do lists, on top of to-do lists. They keep organized on their phones, their planners, their shared calendars. They star and flag emails and have google and Alexa tell them what to-do next lists.  They carry the weight of the family doctor’s appointments, children’s activities, bill due dates, car maintenance, home maintenance, and any emergencies that come up whether it be in the home, with the kids or at work and sometimes aging parents and in-laws. The women I know are so capable that their partners think they have it all under control, and they don’t need to help. The women I know have asked for help, for their partners to take over the mental load, and the response is often “Just tell me what to do, I got you.”  However, it isn’t a just tell me what to do situation. It is a major rehaul in the way that we are doing relationships that needs to happen.

According to the US Census Bureau: 

            At the onset of the pandemic, the share of mothers actively working decreased more than fathers. Mothers declined 21.1 percentage points while the share of fathers dropped 14.7 points in April 2020 compared to the previous month and to the same month the previous year. 

The two most cited reasons are:

·       Mothers are more likely to work in service and other jobs heavily impacted by pandemic closures.

·       Mothers carry a heavier burden, on average, of unpaid domestic household chores and child care, which, during a pandemic that draws everyone into the home, disrupts parents’ ability to actively work for pay

In other words, women, mothers specifically are carrying a good portion of the care needing to be done for others and themselves. Therefore, the women I know are overwhelmed and drowning in to-do lists. It isn’t because their relationships started out this way, in fact, they often started out being pretty equal. However, when things got added, it was often it was just added to the woman’s to do list. It isn’t because women are not asking for help, it is because they are trying to do three to four full time jobs, when realistically they can handle maybe two full-time jobs effectively.  These women are tired of delegating, because let’s face it, delegating itself is a job…that’s why most major companies have project managers.

 So, what is the solution? In my mind, it is that couples need to start divvying things in a different way. Instead of women being project managers, relationships need to be ran more like businesses. Each partner needs to be responsible for a particular department, and while those departments may need to be interdependent on each other, one department does not need to tell the other department what to do to function. Each relationship may divide departments up differently depending on the strengths of the partners, but it needs to be negotiated, talked about, and decided as early in the relationship as possible. If not, to often the women I know are just adding more to their plate, without ever having anything ever taken off, and their partners, are keeping a consistent load to what they had prior to kids. In a business structure, as our business grows, we will often bring on more help, and it is easier to do so, because hopefully as our business grows, we are making more money. However, in a family structure, as our family grows, we may often take a financial hit. Therefore, it often goes to the person who will take it on, without discussion and too often that is the woman in the relationship, regardless of other responsibilities. 

image by @nextfnlevel, woman holding baby on beach taking care of baby

In my humble opinion, this is a contributing factor as to why so many relationships head toward divorce. Women overwhelmed, tired and unable to take anymore are at their breaking points. They either decide that they can’t take anymore, or their partners decide that they are not the fun engaging person they used to be…they are now miserable drowning under all those to do lists, and the day to day becomes unbearable. So, they split. Here is the thing, upon splitting, the women I know, who have married responsible partners, suddenly get a rebalance. Their partners then become responsible for their own lives…their own doctor’s appointments, their own finances, their own car maintenance, and the kids half the time. The women are responsible for themselves and their children when their partners don’t have the kids. They have renegotiated the terms of their agreement and it feels freeing. It is disheartening at best. It is eroding away our concept of family at worst. Instead, I would like to see where couples don’t have to get divorced to renegotiate the defaulted responsibilities. Instead, I would like to see partners who are seeing their wives drowning to say “Hey, we have an unequal balance here, how can restructure so that the departments are more balanced?” I would like to see that it isn’t assumed that the woman can take on more, or that because she is capable, she can handle one more thing. I would like to see capable women not being given more because they are capable.  I would like to see couples begin being taught how to have conversations that negotiate responsibilities in healthy ways. I would like to see to-do lists broken down by department and shared by family members. Each family member taking on responsibilities appropriate to their age and capability.

The women I know don’t need to be recognized. The women I know need to be encouraged to negotiate their roles and be supported when they do. The women I know need to have a few of their to-do lists re-distributed and they need time for themselves. The women I know want their partnerships to work, want to raise great kids, want to work, want to have decent homes and vehicles, they just don’t want to drown doing it. All I am saying is that women are needing a high five while their drowning, they want partners that help them paddle.

Talking About Sex with Your Kids

So a few weekends ago, my friend and I took  the kids to the Museum of Science and Industry. Now, I am all about educating children about their body parts, so I was super excited about the human body exhibit.  Seeing teen parents first hand, I am all about having your children know what sex is, long before they are contemplating having it. I was a sexual abuse counselor for a lot of years, so it is important to me that my kids know the proper name of genitalia.I know education is one of the best ways to help prevent sexual abuse. Give kids the proper name…a penis is not a ding dong, a weiner, a one eyed snake, it is a penis…empower your kids, give them the tools to be able to tell if someone touches them inappropriately. The best age to teach kids the name of their sex organs is the same time you teach them the name of their head, shoulders, knees and toes….make a couple of extra stops and teach breast, buttocks, penis, vulva and vagina.

The museum had a whole display on the developing fetus (awesome!)…the questions of how does the baby get in there were answered and discussed when I was pregnant with my second. We read the books when he was four and five about how the sperm and the ovum come together, and a baby is conceived. At age six, my son asked me a burning question “How does the sperm get in there Mom?”   My son “really needed to know”, like it was this universal puzzle and he just could not figure it out. So, true to form and in alignment with my belief that knowledge is power,  we had the sex conversation at six. He was informed that each child develops at their own pace, and that it is not his job to educate his peers, their parents needed to this. Amazingly, he followed this request.

The next display at the museum was on the developing body. Since I have boys, and one is nine, puberty is not far off,  we focused on the male body…how the scrotum drops, the penis extends, they get hair under their pits and in their pelvic area. I am standing there thinking “okay this is good…a natural way to bring up the conversation, I want him to be prepared.”  (This is that part of the story, where you feel like a good parent….) A girl came by, all the boys ran in a circle away from the video, and then came running back to gather the needed education. In proud Momma form, I stood by to answer questions, but allowed them to discover.

As my son and his friend ran ahead, while I helped my younger one with another exhibit,  I could see them watching a video. I sat down just in time to catch the tail end of the show. Thank goodness, I did. It gave me just enough to to gather my wits.

Now, I thought I was prepared. I thought okay, sex conversations are just touch ups from here on out.  He has the basics, so around age twelve, we can start having he conversations about condoms and birth control. However, I was not quite prepared for this trip to the museum. You see, my kids learned more science than industry. The barrage of questions started:

• Mom, what is an STD? A sexually transmitted disease.

• How can you get them? by having sex.

• Does everyone get them? not everyone, but everyone can get them.

• Can you get rid of them? some you can, others you cant. There are different levels. Explained the levels and types.

• Do they hurt? some do. Some you don’t know you have.

• Can they kill you? some can.

• What is the best way to not get them? by not having sex, but you can prevent them by taking care of your body, and making sure you and your mate are clean when you decide to mate

• Do You have an STD? (WHAT In The WORLD!) Well my love, that is a question you ask your mate, and since you and I are not going to mate, that is not a question you need the answer too. 

For days the questions came, just as they had when he first learned about sex, and he “had to know, how does the sperm get in there.”  I answered each question, just as I had then, in a honest, matter of fact tone…the boring tone that gave facts, not judgement. I answered the questions because he asked, and if kids ask, they are ready for the answers.  Too often, as parents, we think we know when the right time will be, but with sex talk, it is about letting your child take the lead. Allow the conversations to come up, answer honestly right from the start. Sex is a natural part of life, and when you treat it as such, your kids feel safe.  It is hard to have these conversations, it is.  I just believe, that if they can have these conversations with you, then they can have them with their future partner/s and not be embarrassed.

At the end of the week, my son said to me “Mom, you know, I think I am going to wait until I am thirty to have sex, it is just too dangerous.”  With my Momma pride about to burst, I thought:  I hope you make safe choices son,  I hope you do.

Love and Healing,

Laura

For more information on educating your kids about sex:

All About Kids Health

Mayo Clinic/Sex Ed

RAINN/Protecting Your child from Sexual Assault