The Capable & Overwhelmed Trap: When Looking Fine on the Outside Means Suffering Inside
From the outside, you look like you have it together. You are capable, reliable, and the one people count on. But inside, you are overwhelmed, exhausted, and quietly running on empty. This is what neurodivergent burnout can look like, especially for women who have learned to mask and carry more than their nervous system was ever meant to hold. If that sounds familiar, you are not alone, and you are not broken.
By Laura Zane, LMHC | Sage Synergy Counseling & Wellness | Online Therapy in Florida
From the outside? You look like you have it all together.
The kids are fed and at school on time (mostly on time, I see you my ADHDers). The house isn’t a total disaster; it’s good enough. You’re showing up to work. You’re keeping the marriage going. A lot of the time, you are the person other people call when things get hard, because honestly, you just seem like you’ve got it together.
This pattern is especially common in neurodivergent women and highly sensitive adults who have learned to mask their struggles while quietly carrying an overwhelming mental and emotional load.
But here’s what nobody sees: you are sinking.
Your meltdowns happen in the shower. They happen during your revenge procrastination bedtime. That sweet quiet time when the house is finally asleep. You KNOW you need to go to bed; instead, you stay up too late and maybe even fall apart. Your downtime is spent sleeping, hoping to recover from the sensory and emotional overload that just never stops. You fantasize about escaping on a solo vacation. Not because you don’t love your family, you absolutely do, but because you are running on empty and you know that a few days alone would mean coming back fuller. More present. More you.
Sound familiar? Welcome to what I call the Capable & Overwhelmed Trap. And yes, I have been there. More on that in a bit.
Neurodivergent Burnout: Why You Feel Fine on the Outside but Overwhelmed Inside
This is something I see all the time in neurodivergent women, especially those with ADHD, autism, or high sensitivity. Women who look like they are functioning well on the outside but are actually experiencing burnout and overwhelm internally.
And the hard part? The more capable you are, the easier it is for this to go unnoticed. By other people. And eventually, by you too.
What Is the Capable and Overwhelmed Trap?
A lot of neurodivergent people, whether that is ADHD, autism, sensory processing differences, anxiety, or some delightful grab bag of all of the above, get really good at masking. Masking is basically learning to perform “normal” in a world that was not designed for your brain. You learn young. You become a masking expert. And eventually it becomes so conditioned, so automatic, that even the people closest to you have no idea how much effort it takes just to get through a regular Tuesday. Hell, sometimes you don’t even realize you have put on the mask!
The Catch 22 is the better you are at masking, the more invisible your struggle becomes. To everyone around you. And sometimes to yourself.
When you look like you have it all together, people assume you can handle more. So more gets added. And because you’ve been doing it so well, it never occurs to most people to ask if you’re actually okay.
Why Women Mask More (Society, We Need to Talk)
Neurodivergent women mask at significantly higher rates than their male counterparts, and that is not an accident.
From the time we are little girls, we are taught to manage other people’s feelings. Be agreeable. Be helpful. Keep the peace. Smile through it. Take care of others. Was anyone else given that stupid JOY message? Jesus, Others, Yourself? Talk about a recipe for burn out! These messages become part of who we are, so much so that many of us do not even notice we are doing it. It just feels like being a good person. A good mom. A good partner. A good employee. And, society rewards us for it.
But what it actually looks like in practice is a neurodivergent woman who has become so skilled at managing everyone else’s experience that she has completely lost track of her own.
The world taught us to manage other people’s feelings. Nobody taught us to manage our own nervous system. And that gap? That’s where the overwhelm lives.
Layer on top of that a world that was not built for neurodivergent brains, and you have a very exhausted, very masked, very burnt out woman who looks, from the outside, like she is absolutely thriving.
The “What If” Gap: Why Neurotypicals Don’t See What You See
Here is something that might help you feel a little less alone in the resentment spiral: neurotypical people are generally not the ultra deep thinkers. They are not going seven layers deep when they ask you for something.
When they ask for help, they are not thinking: “If she says no, who will do this? She only asks when she really needs it so she must really need it. I can’t leave her without support. What if something goes wrong? What if she thinks I don’t care?”
They are thinking: “I need help. She’s good at this. I’ll ask.” That’s it. No seven-layer dip of consequences and contingencies.
But your brain? Your brain is already running all the scenerios before you can even answer. You are calculating their emotional reaction, your own guilt, the litany of what-ifs, and three different worst case possibilities, all at the same time. That is not a flaw. That is a highly empathic, pattern-seeking brain doing what it does. But it is also an enormous amount of invisible labor that neurotypicals simply do not carry, and often do not even know to account for.
They asked a simple question. You answered a 47-question internal exam. No wonder you’re exhausted.
And Then There’s Menopause (Nobody Warned Me About This Part)
Okay can we talk about this? Because I feel like it does not get said enough.
Before menopause, things were hard. During menopause? I was a walking train wreck that forgot even where the tracks were.
And I want you to know…if you are in perimenopause or menopause and everything has suddenly gotten louder, harder, more overwhelming, and somehow more intense all at once, you are not imagining it and you are not losing your mind!
Here is what is actually happening: estrogen does a lot of behind-the-scenes work for your brain. It supports executive function, helps regulate your nervous system, and plays a role in how you process sensory input and emotions. TADA! Enter peri-menopause: hormones starts going haywire, everything that was a little hard becomes impossible. The ADHD symptoms you had mostly figured out? Back like a bad fungus in the middle of a rain forest. The sensory sensitivities you had learned to work around? They amplify like an 80’s rock concert. Sleep falls apart. Anxiety spikes. The masking that you didn’t realize your were doing…becomes almost impossible.
A Confession (Or: The Day Three Clients All Showed Up for the Same Appointment Time and I Wanted to Disappear)
Okay. Storytime. And I am sharing this because I think it will make you feel better about literally any scheduling mistake you have ever made.
About a year into my private practice, I was an overbooked, overwhelmed, mom with an infant practice running on fumes, and doing that very thing I talk to clients about, taking on more than my nervous system could actually handle.
Client One was a regular. She called to schedule, we set her up for my 10 am appointment, and then I got distracted (hi, ADHD) and forgot to add it to my calendar. She showed up. I had completely forgotten, because typical ADHD, out of sight, out of mind.
Client Two was a new client. She called, I booked her for 10 am, same time as client One. Apparently, between booking the appointment and crying kids, I got pulled away before I could record it.
Day of, Client Three called in crisis. I had to get her in immediately. Cool, I love how Divine works things out…I have a 10 am open.(You see where this is going right?) I was like come on in.
The first one to show was my crisis client. As she is crying I hear the door open and close. Huh, that is weird, my office mate doesn’t usually work Thursdays. I go out and it was my regular. I was like oh no, I am so sorry, I double booked. Go back, work with the crisis client, in walks my new client. I check to see if she is there for my office mate, NO, I am here for you. I was mortified. I felt like a terrible therapist. Like I had failed people at the exact moments they needed reliability most. Enter self-criticism .
But here is the truth: I was not a bad therapist. I was an overwhelmed therapist who had taken on too much and had absolutely zero systems in place to compensate for my brain’s very predictable weak spots.
The fix was not to try harder or be more careful or give myself a stern lecture about being more organized. The fix was self-scheduling software, so the system does what my brain was never consistently going to do on its own. Simple. Practical. Genuinely life changing.
The “Just Say No” Problem (It Is Not That Simple)
“Just say no!” Oh, cool. Thanks. Super helpful. Why did none of us think of that? Insert eye roll here.
Here is what actually happens: someone asks you to do something. Your nervous system is already maxed out and you do not process that fast enough in the moment. (Remember you are not just processing the request, but those 47 internal questions) Panic and overwhelm set in. So you say yes. Then later, when you’ve had actual time process all the pieces, you realize: oh no, I have overcommited.
Then, you have to go back and say…well actually…I thought I could, but… (which, by the way, is a sign of self-awareness, not flakiness), you are often met with annoyance or frustration. Cue: people-pleasing, rejection sensitivity, self-doubt or trauma history triggers around disappointing people.
A lot of us also have the urge to over-explain. We think: If I just give them enough context, they will understand and they will not be upset. What actually happens is the more you explain, the more others who are used to you being there, begin to negotiate. Suddenly you are stuck in a conversation your nervous system did not sign up for, you cannot think fast enough to find the exit, and you say yes again. And then the spiral: resentment, self-criticism, shame. Why can I never just say no? What is wrong with me?
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you, except that you may need some actual tools.
5 Ways to Say No (Plus a Maybe, Because Sometimes You Just Need a Minute)
Short. Warm. Firm. No novel-length explanation. Here is what works:
“While I’d love to help, I don’t have the energy for that right now.” Honest and human. Energy is a real resource. Yours is limited. That is a complete sentence.
“I can’t prioritize that right now, so I’ll need to decline.” Clean. Professional. Nothing to argue with.
“My time is limited right now, and I can’t. Thank you for thinking of me.” A little warmth without opening the door for negotiation.
“Thank you for thinking of me. I’m not able to help with that.” The sentence ends at “though.” Do not add more. I know you want to. Do not.
“That doesn’t align with my goals right now, so I’m going to pass.” Great for professional settings. Decisive. Forward-looking. Very “I have my life together” energy even when you do not.
And the maybe, for when your brain genuinely needs time to process:
“I’d like some time to consider that. Can I get back to you in 24 to 48 hours?” This is not stalling. This is your brain doing what it needs to do, checking in with your actual capacity instead of defaulting to yes under pressure. Use this one freely and without guilt.
A few extras for the collection:
“I’m at capacity right now.”
“I’m not the right person for this right now.”
“I need to protect my bandwidth this season.”
The Capable & Overwhelmed Trap Is Real and It Is Exhausting
There is nothing small about carrying this much, even if your life looks “fine” from the outside.
When you are used to being the capable one, the reliable one, the one who figures it out, it can be really hard to even recognize how much you are holding, let alone give yourself permission to need support.
It’s okay to say, I need help. I can’t do this alone anymore.
That is often where things begin to shift.
Learning to protect your nervous system, say no without the guilt spiral, stop masking your way into burnout, and build a life that actually works with your brain rather than against it, these are all things you can genuinely work on. And when you do, the shift is real. Not just for you, but for everyone around you.
Because a you that is actually resourced is so much more present than a you that is white-knuckling through every single day. Your family does not need you to look fine. They need you to actually be okay.
If you are ready for support, we can work together in therapy to help you understand your capacity, reduce overwhelm, and build a life that actually works with your brain. I provide online therapy throughout Florida, including Miami, Naples, Tampa, Sarasota, Bradenton, Lakewood Ranch, Palm Beach, Boca Raton, and Orlando.
And if you are not quite ready for therapy, but you know something needs to change, you can start smaller. I have a boundaries course that walks you through how to protect your time, energy, and bandwidth in a way that actually sticks, without burning yourself out in the process.
FAQ’s
Questions I Hear All the Time (You Are Not Alone in These)
Is it normal to feel more overwhelmed than other people even when my life looks fine from the outside?
A: Yes—well, neurodivergent normal. Our brains process sensory input, emotional information, and everyday demands more intensely than neurotypical brains. What looks manageable from the outside can be genuinely exhausting from the inside. You are not being dramatic or too sensitive. You are not weak. You are running a very different operating system in a world that was designed for a different one.
Why do I always say yes and then immediately regret it?
A: So common, especially for people with ADHD or trauma histories. Many neurodivergences come with executive processing issues, which can cause delayed processing. That means your brain cannot always assess your real capacity when pressure is applied—you know, like when you feel people want an answer “NOW.”
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria means the fear of disappointing someone can override logic instantly. You say yes before your nervous system has even been consulted. The regret shows up later, when the pressure is off and reality has a chance to land.
I think I might be in perimenopause. Could that be making my ADHD or anxiety worse?
A: Almost certainly yes. Estrogen supports executive function, emotional regulation, and how your brain manages sensory input. As it fluctuates during perimenopause, a lot of neurodivergent women see their symptoms ramp up significantly.
Many gifted women get what I call an “ultra late” diagnosis in their 40s or 50s because the hormone changes interfere with their coping skills and ability to mask. If things that used to feel manageable suddenly feel impossible, that is worth exploring with both a therapist and a knowledgeable medical provider. And no, you are not just “getting worse.” Your baseline changed. That matters.
I live in Miami, Naples, Tampa, or Palm Beach and cannot find a therapist who actually understands neurodivergence. What do I do?
A: This is exactly why I offer online therapy throughout Florida. You do not have to choose between finding someone who genuinely understands neurodivergence and finding someone who is available in your area.
We can work together from wherever you are, whether that is a quiet corner of your house in Boca Raton, your parked car on your lunch break in Naples (no judgment, we have all been there), or the one room in your house with a door that locks.
Like this topic and Want More? Check out these blogs.
Buy the precut Watermelon is about choosing less to reduce anxiety and overwhelm and get more out of life.
Burnout In Highly Sensitive women is about being a neurodivergent woman while homeschooling.
When the World Feels Heavy: A Mother and Therapist Reflects on Grief, Compassion, and Choosing Love
Grief Trigger Warning
Sometimes the world feels very heavy.
This is what was on my heart this morning.
Many people, especially highly sensitive and compassionate people, feel deeply affected by suffering in the world. When violence, war, or tragedy appear in the news, it can leave us feeling overwhelmed, heartbroken, or powerless.
Before anything else, I am a mother.
Yes, I am Laura.
Grief Trigger Warning
Sometimes the world feels very heavy.
This is what was on my heart this morning.
Many people, especially highly sensitive and compassionate people, feel deeply affected by suffering in the world. When violence, war, or tragedy appear in the news, it can leave us feeling overwhelmed, heartbroken, or powerless.
Before anything else, I am a mother.
Yes, I am Laura.
I am a therapist.
I am a wife and partner, a sister, a daughter. I am many things in this life. But when my children were born, something shifted in me in a way that is hard to explain to anyone who has not experienced it.
No matter what other roles I hold in this world, I am always a mother first.
And this morning I woke up heavy.
The Grief Mothers Carry Across the World
There are little girls who left for school and never came home. An occurrence that should never happen, yet is repeated. There are mothers waiting for sons and daughters who may never return from war. There are children who will grow up without the parents who once held them. Every life lost is someone’s child.
Across oceans and across languages I can imagine the sound a mother makes when she realizes her child is gone. I can imagine that same sound from mothers here at home who fear for their children’s safety.
Grief like that needs no translation.
I struggle to understand how humans reach a place where violence becomes acceptable. Even the smallest forms of harm make me pause, so the loss of human life, any human life, feels unbearable to me.
When the World Feels Heavy and We Feel Powerless
I hear people say thoughts and prayers, and I know that is often a reaction to feeling powerless.
I feel powerless too.
And if I am honest, I am angry.
I feel anger toward the leaders and systems that move the world closer to violence instead of healing. I feel anger when human life begins to feel expendable in public conversations.
Part of me wants to shout that the people making these decisions should have to face the consequences themselves.
And another part of me remembers that every soldier, every child, every person caught in conflict is still someone’s child. Still innocent. Still loved by a mother somewhere.
Holding those two truths at the same time is painful.
The Connection Between Love, Anger, and Compassion
The anger I feel is real, but underneath it is something deeper.
Because hate is not the opposite of love.
Hate is the shadow side of love.
You only feel that kind of anger when something you love deeply feels threatened.
And what I love is life.
Children.
Families.
The fragile miracle that any of us are here at all.
Choosing Compassion in a World That Feels Heavy
Feeling grief for the world does not mean something is wrong with you; often it means your compassion is still very much alive. So I refuse to add more hatred to a world that already has too much of it.
Instead, I will do what I can.
I will do my best to help heal the people who sit across from me in my therapy room. I will raise my children to be compassionate humans. I will keep choosing love even on the days when anger would be easier.
I cannot change the entire world.
But I can care deeply for the small corner of it that is mine.
Today I grieve for mothers everywhere. The mothers across the ocean whose language I will never speak. The mothers here at home worried about their own children. The mothers who will wake up tomorrow and ask themselves what they did wrong.
Grief needs no translation.
Because when you are a mother, every child feels a little bit like your own.
The grief I feel today is the shadow of my compassion. It is what compassion looks like when it runs into a world that still chooses violence.
If I did not care so deeply about life, about children, about families, I would not feel this pain.
So I will not try to silence it.
I will let it remind me why compassion matters.
Maybe my small voice will not change the world.
But maybe it adds one small kernel of compassion to it.
And maybe, just maybe, that still matters.
I will honor that my vulnerability, my compassion, and my love are my strength.
If This Resonates With You
This reflection may resonate with you if:
• You feel overwhelmed or heartbroken when you hear about suffering in the world
• You are a highly sensitive or deeply compassionate person
• World events sometimes leave you feeling powerless or heavy
• You care deeply about humanity but struggle with how to hold that compassion without becoming overwhelmed
• You are trying to raise children with empathy and kindness in a complicated world
Feeling deeply is not a weakness. Often, it is a reflection of your capacity for compassion.
Questions People Often Ask When the World Feels Heavy
Why do world events affect me so strongly?
Many highly sensitive or empathetic people feel the suffering of others deeply. Hearing about tragedy, violence, or injustice can activate grief, fear, and compassion all at once.
Is it normal to feel both anger and compassion at the same time?
Yes. Anger often emerges when something we deeply love feels threatened. It is possible to hold anger and compassion together without letting anger turn into hatred.
How can I care about the world without becoming overwhelmed?
One way is to focus on the areas where you do have influence—your family, your community, your relationships. Compassion becomes sustainable when we channel it into meaningful action within our own sphere.
Can therapy help if the world feels emotionally overwhelming?
Yes. Therapy can help highly sensitive and compassionate people learn how to hold grief, anger, and empathy without becoming emotionally depleted.
Sailing Smoothly: Carnival Cruise Lines and KultureCity Partner to Create Sensory-Friendly Vacations and 11 Tips for Sailing with Sensory Issues
As a therapist who specializes in working with Highly Sensitive People and neurodivergent individuals, and being a sensitive person myself, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Carnival Cruise Lines had made significant adjustments to address sensory sensitivities. It was heartening to see that they had implemented measures to accommodate passengers like me.
Recently, I embarked on my second cruise adventure with Carnival Cruise Lines and had a sensory-sensitive revelation that I just had to share. While I'm far from a cruise expert, I felt compelled to commend Carnival Cruise Lines for their remarkable partnership with KultureCity, transforming the cruise experience for travelers like me who have heightened sensory awareness.
My first cruise, a pre-Covid 3-day voyage to Cancun, Mexico, was undeniably enjoyable. It was just my husband and I, and not having to worry about food or kids…as well as meeting some friends, really made the cruise a vacation. However, as someone who tends to get overwhelmed by excessive stimulation, spending three days amidst a bustling cruise ship presented it’s challenges. Navigating through the mid-deck to reach food became a sensory journey of its own: music blaring, casino bells chiming, the scent of smoke wafting through the air, abrupt temperature shifts as I moved from indoor to outdoor areas, and the constant shift in lighting conditions. Not to mention, the sheer number of fellow passengers made it feel overwhelming. To avoid the crowd, I often resorted to traversing the lower decks, even though it meant a longer route. Our cabin, though a welcome retreat, was positioned in a high-traffic hallway, making uninterrupted sleep a rare luxury for this light sleeper.
So, when my husband proposed a second cruise as a special gift for my 50th birthday, my initial reaction was mixed. On one hand, the prospect of not having to worry about cooking and cleanup for a week was enticing. (Have I mentioned how much I hate cooking, well not actually cooking, it’s the clean-up) On the other hand, I wondered if I would once again be engulfed in sensory overload. This time, however, I came prepared. I packed my Loop earplugs (see my unboxing video here) and my trusty essential oils. I also brought a fan to help with temperature control. Excitement and apprehension warred within me as I contemplated five days on the cruise ship, sharing a cabin with our teenagers. Would I endure sensory overwhelm, potentially ruining our vacation?
As a therapist who specializes in working with Highly Sensitive People and neurodivergent individuals, and being a sensitive person myself, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Carnival Cruise Lines had made significant adjustments to address issues for those of us prone to sensory sensitivities. It was heartening to see that they had implemented measures to accommodate passengers like me.
So, what exactly does being Sensory Certified entail? It means that Carnival now has customer-facing staff trained to understand the unique needs of individuals with various sensory challenges, including Down Syndrome, Autism, ADHD, PTSD, and more. Carnival, in collaboration with KultureCity, introduced VIP Lanyards that staff could use to easily identify passengers who might require additional support. One of the highlights of our cruise was the silent disco night held on the mid-deck, which attracted a substantial crowd. In addition, the nightclubs now featured closed doors to minimize disruptions to those passing by. A welcome change from my initial cruise with Carnival.
First, the lines for food were noticeably shorter, reducing the sensory stress of waiting in crowded spaces. Second, their updated HUB app allowed guests to make reservations at their assigned restaurant, receiving a convenient text notification when their table was ready. This allowed for us to hang out in quieter spaces while waiting. However, the most remarkable change was Carnival's introduction of sensory kits that could be borrowed during the cruise. To my immense joy and that of my sensory-sensitive family, Carnival had forged a partnership with the non-profit organization, "KultureCity," becoming the first Sensory Certified cruise line in the process..
For me, these thoughtful changes made my cruise an absolute delight. Carnival Cruise Lines' commitment to inclusivity and their partnership with KultureCity have transformed the cruise experience for individuals like me, turning what could have been a sensory overload into a genuinely enjoyable vacation. Whether you're a seasoned cruiser or considering your first voyage, Carnival's dedication to creating a sensory-friendly environment deserves recognition and applause.
In a twist of fate, our initially planned 5-day cruise turned into a memorable 7-day journey as we found ourselves tailing a hurricane, which resulted in the closure of our intended ports of call. During these unforeseen extra days at sea, Carnival Cruise Lines truly shone in their commitment to ensuring the well-being and satisfaction of their guests. The crew, with a special shout out to Todd (T-O- double “D”) for sharing his positive energy, went above and beyond to keep everyone informed about the situation, making regular announcements and providing updates on the evolving weather conditions. Despite the unexpected extension of our voyage, Carnival continued to offer top-notch service and entertainment, maintaining the high standards they are known for. It was a testament to their dedication that, even in the face of an unforeseen challenge, they managed to turn it into an adventure, and our extended cruise became a treasured memory.
Now, for those who may embark on a cruise with sensory sensitivities like mine, here are some valuable tips to enhance your experience:
Your 11 Tips to To Cruising with Sensory Issues
1. **Travel with Headphones/Earplugs:** Always carry noise-canceling headphones or earplugs to create your personal oasis amidst the ship's vibrant atmosphere.
2. **Choose a Quieter Room Location:** Opt for staterooms located toward the front or back of the ship to minimize exposure to constant foot traffic and public spaces.
3. **Select Rooms Below Inactive Decks:** Avoid rooms beneath active decks or venues to reduce disturbances from overhead activities.
4. **Be Cautious of Casino Proximity:** Stay away from rooms near the casino if you're sensitive to cigarette smoke to avoid unpleasant odors.
5. **Bring a Portable Fan:** Portable fans offer white noise and temperature control, creating a comfortable and peaceful environment.
6. **Consider Inside Cabins for Sleep:** Inside cabins may lack views but are often quieter and ideal for restful sleep.
7. **Request a Sensory Kit Early:** Contact guest services early in your cruise to request a sensory kit for managing sensitivities.
8. **Make Restaurant Reservations Online:** Use the cruise line's app or platform to reserve tables and avoid long waits in crowded dining areas.
9. **Discover Quiet Spots:** Explore the ship to find serene, secluded areas that resonate with you for moments of relaxation.
10. **Pack Sunglasses:** Sunglasses reduce glare and enhance outdoor comfort, shielding your eyes from bright sunlight.
11. **Adjust Your Schedule:** Plan activities during off-peak hours to avoid crowds and enjoy popular attractions with fewer people around.
For more information about Carnival Cruise Lines' Sensory Certification, you can visit their official website here. To learn more about KultureCity's partnership with Carnival, please visit their website here.
Keywords: Carnival Cruise Lines, KultureCity, Sensory Certified cruise line, sensory-sensitive travelers, neurodivergent, highly sensitive people, sensory overload, cruise vacation, sensory kit, VIP Lanyards, silent disco night, weighted blankets, sensory games, conversation cards, hurricane extension, exceptional guest care, cruising tips for sensitive travelers, sensitive therapist, Florida
The Women I Know
The women I know are drowning in the overwhelm of to do lists, work, child care, home management and adapting to the ever-changing needs of the pandemic. We are just able to get it together long enough to come up for a breath of air, before the next wave of the unknown hits pulls us back under.
I just read a meme that said something to the effect of women want to be recognized for all the things they do, and then listed all the things that women do. While I get the intention behind it, and women do want their partners to understand all that they do, the women I know are not looking for recognition from our counterparts. Recognition seems patronizing when you are drowning in the mental load ocean, the wave of each new task that pops up pulling you into the undertow of daily life. The women I know are drowning in the overwhelm of to do lists, work, child care, home management and adapting to the ever-changing needs of the pandemic. We are just able to get it together long enough to come up for a breath of air, before the next wave of the unknown hits pulls us back under.
image of woman Drowning by @blakecheekk, signifying women drowning in their Mental Load
The women I know are not physically alone, but they feel emotionally in it alone. I hear it frequently. “My partner is a great partner, they change diapers, do laundry, cook, help around the house. However, it is the mental load we don’t share.” The women I know say “I have to tell them what needs to be done, what needs to happen, it is as almost as exhausting as having to do it myself.” The women I know are so tired of keeping up mentally with everything that they have to-do lists, on top of to-do lists, on top of to-do lists. They keep organized on their phones, their planners, their shared calendars. They star and flag emails and have google and Alexa tell them what to-do next lists. They carry the weight of the family doctor’s appointments, children’s activities, bill due dates, car maintenance, home maintenance, and any emergencies that come up whether it be in the home, with the kids or at work and sometimes aging parents and in-laws. The women I know are so capable that their partners think they have it all under control, and they don’t need to help. The women I know have asked for help, for their partners to take over the mental load, and the response is often “Just tell me what to do, I got you.” However, it isn’t a just tell me what to do situation. It is a major rehaul in the way that we are doing relationships that needs to happen.
According to the US Census Bureau:
At the onset of the pandemic, the share of mothers actively working decreased more than fathers. Mothers declined 21.1 percentage points while the share of fathers dropped 14.7 points in April 2020 compared to the previous month and to the same month the previous year.
The two most cited reasons are:
· Mothers are more likely to work in service and other jobs heavily impacted by pandemic closures.
· Mothers carry a heavier burden, on average, of unpaid domestic household chores and child care, which, during a pandemic that draws everyone into the home, disrupts parents’ ability to actively work for pay
In other words, women, mothers specifically are carrying a good portion of the care needing to be done for others and themselves. Therefore, the women I know are overwhelmed and drowning in to-do lists. It isn’t because their relationships started out this way, in fact, they often started out being pretty equal. However, when things got added, it was often it was just added to the woman’s to do list. It isn’t because women are not asking for help, it is because they are trying to do three to four full time jobs, when realistically they can handle maybe two full-time jobs effectively. These women are tired of delegating, because let’s face it, delegating itself is a job…that’s why most major companies have project managers.
So, what is the solution? In my mind, it is that couples need to start divvying things in a different way. Instead of women being project managers, relationships need to be ran more like businesses. Each partner needs to be responsible for a particular department, and while those departments may need to be interdependent on each other, one department does not need to tell the other department what to do to function. Each relationship may divide departments up differently depending on the strengths of the partners, but it needs to be negotiated, talked about, and decided as early in the relationship as possible. If not, to often the women I know are just adding more to their plate, without ever having anything ever taken off, and their partners, are keeping a consistent load to what they had prior to kids. In a business structure, as our business grows, we will often bring on more help, and it is easier to do so, because hopefully as our business grows, we are making more money. However, in a family structure, as our family grows, we may often take a financial hit. Therefore, it often goes to the person who will take it on, without discussion and too often that is the woman in the relationship, regardless of other responsibilities.
image by @nextfnlevel, woman holding baby on beach taking care of baby
In my humble opinion, this is a contributing factor as to why so many relationships head toward divorce. Women overwhelmed, tired and unable to take anymore are at their breaking points. They either decide that they can’t take anymore, or their partners decide that they are not the fun engaging person they used to be…they are now miserable drowning under all those to do lists, and the day to day becomes unbearable. So, they split. Here is the thing, upon splitting, the women I know, who have married responsible partners, suddenly get a rebalance. Their partners then become responsible for their own lives…their own doctor’s appointments, their own finances, their own car maintenance, and the kids half the time. The women are responsible for themselves and their children when their partners don’t have the kids. They have renegotiated the terms of their agreement and it feels freeing. It is disheartening at best. It is eroding away our concept of family at worst. Instead, I would like to see where couples don’t have to get divorced to renegotiate the defaulted responsibilities. Instead, I would like to see partners who are seeing their wives drowning to say “Hey, we have an unequal balance here, how can restructure so that the departments are more balanced?” I would like to see that it isn’t assumed that the woman can take on more, or that because she is capable, she can handle one more thing. I would like to see capable women not being given more because they are capable. I would like to see couples begin being taught how to have conversations that negotiate responsibilities in healthy ways. I would like to see to-do lists broken down by department and shared by family members. Each family member taking on responsibilities appropriate to their age and capability.
The women I know don’t need to be recognized. The women I know need to be encouraged to negotiate their roles and be supported when they do. The women I know need to have a few of their to-do lists re-distributed and they need time for themselves. The women I know want their partnerships to work, want to raise great kids, want to work, want to have decent homes and vehicles, they just don’t want to drown doing it. All I am saying is that women are needing a high five while their drowning, they want partners that help them paddle.
Covid-19 Anxiety-Trying to find the balance between More and Less
As a highly sensitive person and ambivert, my life has been a constant balance of trying to balance my desire to be conscientious and my need to have a lot of down time. Both great HSP qualities, but also ones that can cause stress. My pre-COVID-19 life felt stressed, anxious, and constantly on the go. While I recognize I had designed my life with less time commitments than most, the time commitments I did have, often left me exhausted and overwhelmed. I felt constantly “on the go”.
The time obligations that non-HSP’s make all the time can feel stressful, anxiety producing and overwhelming for those of us that are highly sensitive. For me, the time related deadlines of everyday life, like running the kids to the bus stop, getting to meetings on time, or having to be constantly aware of the family schedule…birthday parties, holiday cards, organizing house affairs, setting up house appointments: bug people, water people, home repairs, felt like balls that I was constantly dropping, watch as they roll down hill and splash into a pond…all while I am still trying to figure out if I should keep juggling or chase the ones I dropped.
In all fairness to my HSP side, some of this is probably because my family frequently ran late when I was a kid. We showed up late almost daily to school my entire childhood. The shame of walking in late, embarrassed with teacher comments of “Again” probably do not help with this issue. There is no one to blame for this, my young mother had 3, eventually 4 kids and although married, mostly functioned as a single parent, until she eventually became one. With little help, I am surprised we only ran 15 minutes to a half hour late…I get it, especially as a mother in my adult years. However, running late has been a trigger my entire life, well not so much the running late, as the comments and judgements made when one is running late. Somehow, running late generalized into not just late with places, but also those day to day commitments we all experience. GOD FORBID, I don’t get a card out in time. I beat myself up, and don’t bother sending it. I literally have Easter cards sitting here from two years ago…somewhere at least….
Image by @aronvisuals, running out of time
Then comes COVID-19. It forces me to take a step back and relax. My kids are no longer in school, the deadline then becomes moving from the bed to the couch and making sure they are online “on time”, if they can make it. If not, that is okay, you can watch the recording. When you show, even if you are not on time to a “Zoom” meeting, people are patient. Technical difficulties, internet issues, electronics acting up are all things we experience. Now, many of us working from home are juggling kids, animals, our jobs, and a multitude of other things that we have been juggling all along. However, suddenly, people are more patient. Pre COVID-19, if your kid popped into a meeting, it made the headlines. Now, your kid pops into a “zoom” meeting, it is kind of expected, people laugh and we move on. Here we are, all in the same storm, being more tolerant of what is happening in each other’s boat.
In some ways, COVID-19 has helped me be more patient with myself. In some ways if feels better. While I am having less physical interaction with the stay at home, I feel I am having more peaceful interactions. I am less stressed overall. Deadlines don’t feel so overwhelming. I am not in trauma reaction mode worried about getting places and doing things “right and on time.” I am still conscientious and working with ethics, but without the day to stresses and deadlines, I feel more relaxed. Without starting my day off with the bus time stress, the hustle and bustle of where I need to be, my world feels more relaxed. My time with others feels like more.
My state is in phase 2 of opening up. I am not ready yet. It’s not that I don’t want people to get back to work, I feel for my fellow people. I get the economic impact has been huge. It’s just, I AM NOT READY YET. I don’t want to go back to the hustle and bustle. I don’t want to start my morning off with deadlines and stress, balls being dropped and rolling down the hill. So there-in lies the problem, I have not quite figured out how to have my kids go back to school, begin to see people in person, and not put myself back in that stress. I know there are things that will need to shift, I just don’t know what that is yet. It is becoming clearer, but it is not there…and I am not ready yet. I don’t want to go back to the way things were. I don’t know if I can, not without having a visceral reaction. So, I sit here and try to figure out my next steps.
I have this thing in my practice, where I try and look at the gifts of all negative events or traumas. For me, the gift of COVID-19 has been to see how life can be, if I slow it down and make some shifts. My fear of making those shifts is dissolving the longer I am spending time at home. I, like many other mothers, have needed more balance in my life for a long time, and maybe we have as a planet. I can’t go back to who I was before COVID-19…and I feel like I am saying this not just for myself, but for many. I feel like I have been a caterpillar crawling around, doing my thing. COVID-19 came and I created my cocoon, started my change, my transformation. I am beginning to come out of it, but I am not quite through it yet. I will re-emerge, the same but different. More beautiful in many ways, seemingly more fragile in others. As I am pondering my emergence, I have not figured out what flowers I want to fly to first. I am still needing time for my wings to dry and learn how to use them.
5 Great Ways To Get Centered when you are feeling Anxious
It’s important to keep yourself grounded in the midst of the chaos. I wanted to share with you today about how to get centered when you're feeling chaotic.
All of us have experienced those times where we feel like our head is spinning. Sometimes it feels like nothing is going as planned and life is just testing you left and right. It’s important to keep yourself grounded in the midst of the chaos. I wanted to share with you today about how to get centered when you're feeling chaotic. There are five ways that I tell my clients that you can get quick, fast relief from a little bit of the stress.
The first way to get some relief from chaos is to do some controlled breathing. It is often recommended breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth to help calm you down. Take a second to do it with me. So you're going to breathe in, hold it for as long as you can, and breathe out through your mouth and repeat this as many times as you need to. Another way to do this is to block off one nostril, breathe in through that nostril, switch to blocking off the other nostril, and then breathe out through that nostril. That's a quick strategy to get yourself centered. The alternate nostril breathing technique gets both sides of your brain talking and calms you down pretty quickly.
The second thing you can do to get yourself centered is visualize. Visualize yourself in a calmer state of mind. Visualize not only when you're in the midst of chaos, but also while you're in a relaxed state. While you're in a relaxed state of mind, you can touch a part of your body and that will teach you that when you touch this spot, it will trick your brain into thinking you're calming down. There's an acupuncture point that I recommend using as your grounding point. You go straight up from your hand, on your wrist, there's a little divot there. If you squeeze that when you're not feeling calm you will trick your body into thinking that you're supposed to feel relaxation during that time. The other thing is to visualize a peaceful place, whatever that peaceful place is for you. For some people, it's the beach or a mountain stream. But take just about 15 seconds and visualize yourself there. It will help your body recognize that you are moving to become this.
The third thing you can do is let go and trust your higher power. Now not everyone believes in a higher power. And that's perfectly okay! If you do, or if you don’t, realizing things are out of your control is a way to bring some calm to your chaos. Sometimes when we're feeling chaotic, it's because of internal feelings. So reminding yourself that chaos is sometimes about things falling into place, not falling apart. When we clean out a closet, our closet is completely empty and our bedroom is chaos. But when we start putting stuff back together, we're actually cleaning some of the chaos is the beginning of putting things back together. So always remind yourself of that.
Another strategy to seek calm throughout chaos is to get outside for just a few minutes. If you can sit in the grass for 15 minutes, studies show that your anxiety levels and your depression levels decrease. This is a great thing to do, especially if you have kids. Take them outside, sit in the grass, make sure your feet or your hands are touching the Earth. If you're sitting on concrete, it doesn't have the same effect. So get your body grounded, get outside, make sure that you're getting fresh air every day.
The fifth thing is if you have a pet, put your hands on them and pet them. Most pet owners know about the immediate joys that come with sharing their lives with companion animals. This actually helps calm you down and fills the basic human need for touch. Petting, hugging, or otherwise touching a loving animal can rapidly calm and soothe you when you’re stressed or anxious. It's a quick way to help you get calm by taking a few minutes and petting an animal.
Those are the five quick strategies I tell my clients to help get grounded when things are feeling hectic. If there is more you'd like to know about, or if you want me to go into more details with a couple of these strategies, please leave let me know! That would be super helpful so I can give you guys more of what you're looking for. I can even do a meditation for you all if you think that's something you'd like. I look forward to talking to you!
It's not Personal, I just don't want to hang out with you.
This is going to sound awful. The thing it, it is not personal, I just don’t want to hang out with you. I really don’t like people. I mean, I like them well enough. I love working with people, I love my career. I love being a Mom, a wife, and a friend. I love giving to others. It’s just, I am an introvert and an extrovert. I fall right on the line, in between the two on all of those personality scales they make you take in school. So, the thing is, that after spending the day with people, giving presence and support, at night, I don’t necessarily want to hang out. Most evenings, I just want to sit home, give time to my kids and husband, veg, play on facebook, read, do lone tasks that allow me to nurture my introvert side.
Occasionally, it makes me feel like a bad friend. At times, I have had people get mad at me because they don’t feel like I am present enough for them. They deserve that. Everyone deserves friends that are involved and available. You deserve someone that can be fully present, that can listen to your concerns. You deserve a friend that will spend hours with you on the phone. You deserve someone that can really help you problem solve. The thing is, I am not necessarily the person that will be able to meet those expectations. If I have worked all day, or had a particularly hard week, I can’t be that emotional support for you. I can’t hang out and listen to your problems. I can’t encourage you, or be your cheerleader. I can’t because I am having to focus that energy on being present for myself…I have used all my energy for that day. I can’t choose you over me. Please know though, it is not really about you, it is my need to recharge and revive. I care deeply about you. I am setting boundaries with you, so that I can care for me. It is hard for me to set these boundaries, it is hard for me to say “No.” However, I have learned that sometimes, in the line of work I have chosen, I have to go inward. I have to check out. I have to be self centered. I have to self care, or ultimately, I can not do what I do.
Please know, that if I can, I will give. If I can do it without draining myself, I will. When we do hang out though, I want to be fully present. I want t both enjoy you and be enjoyable. I want to listen, laugh, and spend time with the people I care about in ways that are meaningful. I want to actually be there for you. So if that means that to be present, I have to hang out less, and exchange quality for quantity, I am willing to do so. Just know, if I say no, I can’t hang out, it’s not personal. I am just keeping a promise to myself to self care. My hope will be that you will do the same. I will expect you to not want to hang out, need to self care and I will appreciate the time we have. I will not take it personal.
Love and Healing,
Laura
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