It's not Personal, I just don't want to hang out with you.
This is going to sound awful. The thing it, it is not personal, I just don’t want to hang out with you. I really don’t like people. I mean, I like them well enough. I love working with people, I love my career. I love being a Mom, a wife, and a friend. I love giving to others. It’s just, I am an introvert and an extrovert. I fall right on the line, in between the two on all of those personality scales they make you take in school. So, the thing is, that after spending the day with people, giving presence and support, at night, I don’t necessarily want to hang out. Most evenings, I just want to sit home, give time to my kids and husband, veg, play on facebook, read, do lone tasks that allow me to nurture my introvert side.
Occasionally, it makes me feel like a bad friend. At times, I have had people get mad at me because they don’t feel like I am present enough for them. They deserve that. Everyone deserves friends that are involved and available. You deserve someone that can be fully present, that can listen to your concerns. You deserve a friend that will spend hours with you on the phone. You deserve someone that can really help you problem solve. The thing is, I am not necessarily the person that will be able to meet those expectations. If I have worked all day, or had a particularly hard week, I can’t be that emotional support for you. I can’t hang out and listen to your problems. I can’t encourage you, or be your cheerleader. I can’t because I am having to focus that energy on being present for myself…I have used all my energy for that day. I can’t choose you over me. Please know though, it is not really about you, it is my need to recharge and revive. I care deeply about you. I am setting boundaries with you, so that I can care for me. It is hard for me to set these boundaries, it is hard for me to say “No.” However, I have learned that sometimes, in the line of work I have chosen, I have to go inward. I have to check out. I have to be self centered. I have to self care, or ultimately, I can not do what I do.
Please know, that if I can, I will give. If I can do it without draining myself, I will. When we do hang out though, I want to be fully present. I want t both enjoy you and be enjoyable. I want to listen, laugh, and spend time with the people I care about in ways that are meaningful. I want to actually be there for you. So if that means that to be present, I have to hang out less, and exchange quality for quantity, I am willing to do so. Just know, if I say no, I can’t hang out, it’s not personal. I am just keeping a promise to myself to self care. My hope will be that you will do the same. I will expect you to not want to hang out, need to self care and I will appreciate the time we have. I will not take it personal.
Love and Healing,
Laura
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Talking About Sex with Your Kids
So a few weekends ago, my friend and I took the kids to the Museum of Science and Industry. Now, I am all about educating children about their body parts, so I was super excited about the human body exhibit. Seeing teen parents first hand, I am all about having your children know what sex is, long before they are contemplating having it. I was a sexual abuse counselor for a lot of years, so it is important to me that my kids know the proper name of genitalia.I know education is one of the best ways to help prevent sexual abuse. Give kids the proper name…a penis is not a ding dong, a weiner, a one eyed snake, it is a penis…empower your kids, give them the tools to be able to tell if someone touches them inappropriately. The best age to teach kids the name of their sex organs is the same time you teach them the name of their head, shoulders, knees and toes….make a couple of extra stops and teach breast, buttocks, penis, vulva and vagina.
The museum had a whole display on the developing fetus (awesome!)…the questions of how does the baby get in there were answered and discussed when I was pregnant with my second. We read the books when he was four and five about how the sperm and the ovum come together, and a baby is conceived. At age six, my son asked me a burning question “How does the sperm get in there Mom?” My son “really needed to know”, like it was this universal puzzle and he just could not figure it out. So, true to form and in alignment with my belief that knowledge is power, we had the sex conversation at six. He was informed that each child develops at their own pace, and that it is not his job to educate his peers, their parents needed to this. Amazingly, he followed this request.
The next display at the museum was on the developing body. Since I have boys, and one is nine, puberty is not far off, we focused on the male body…how the scrotum drops, the penis extends, they get hair under their pits and in their pelvic area. I am standing there thinking “okay this is good…a natural way to bring up the conversation, I want him to be prepared.” (This is that part of the story, where you feel like a good parent….) A girl came by, all the boys ran in a circle away from the video, and then came running back to gather the needed education. In proud Momma form, I stood by to answer questions, but allowed them to discover.
As my son and his friend ran ahead, while I helped my younger one with another exhibit, I could see them watching a video. I sat down just in time to catch the tail end of the show. Thank goodness, I did. It gave me just enough to to gather my wits.
Now, I thought I was prepared. I thought okay, sex conversations are just touch ups from here on out. He has the basics, so around age twelve, we can start having he conversations about condoms and birth control. However, I was not quite prepared for this trip to the museum. You see, my kids learned more science than industry. The barrage of questions started:
Mom, what is an STD? A sexually transmitted disease.
How can you get them? by having sex.
Does everyone get them? not everyone, but everyone can get them.
Can you get rid of them? some you can, others you cant. There are different levels. Explained the levels and types.
Do they hurt? some do. Some you don’t know you have.
Can they kill you? some can.
What is the best way to not get them? by not having sex, but you can prevent them by taking care of your body, and making sure you and your mate are clean when you decide to mate
Do You have an STD? (WHAT In The WORLD!) Well my love, that is a question you ask your mate, and since you and I are not going to mate, that is not a question you need the answer too.
For days the questions came, just as they had when he first learned about sex, and he “had to know, how does the sperm get in there.” I answered each question, just as I had then, in a honest, matter of fact tone…the boring tone that gave facts, not judgement. I answered the questions because he asked, and if kids ask, they are ready for the answers. Too often, as parents, we think we know when the right time will be, but with sex talk, it is about letting your child take the lead. Allow the conversations to come up, answer honestly right from the start. Sex is a natural part of life, and when you treat it as such, your kids feel safe. It is hard to have these conversations, it is. I just believe, that if they can have these conversations with you, then they can have them with their future partner/s and not be embarrassed.
At the end of the week, my son said to me “Mom, you know, I think I am going to wait until I am thirty to have sex, it is just too dangerous.” With my Momma pride about to burst, I thought: I hope you make safe choices son, I hope you do.
Love and Healing,
Laura
For more information on educating your kids about sex:
RAINN/Protecting Your child from Sexual Assault
Is what you are actually feeling yours? A Guide for Empaths in Florida
Empaths absorb the world around them. That is not a metaphor.
If you identify as an empath, a highly sensitive person, or a neurodivergent woman who feels things deeply, you already know that you experience the emotional world differently than most people. You walk into a room and immediately sense the energy. You scroll through social media and feel the weight of what you read long after you put your phone down. You sit across from someone who is struggling and find yourself struggling too, even if you had been perfectly fine five minutes before.
This is not your imagination. This is how your nervous system works
Prefer to watch? The video above covers the highlights. Keep reading for the full guide including grounding techniques and FAQs.
Just because you are feeling it does not mean it belongs to you. Here is how to tell the difference and give back what was never yours to carry.
Hi, I'm Laura Zane, a holistic online therapist serving highly sensitive, neurodivergent, and empathic women throughout Florida. One of the questions I get asked most often, and one that has come up repeatedly with clients week after week, is some version of this: "I don't know why I feel so sad right now. Nothing is actually wrong in my life." If that sounds familiar, this post is for you.
Because here is something that most people, and even most therapists, do not talk about enough. Just because you are feeling something does not mean it is yours
Empaths absorb the world around them. That is not a metaphor.
If you identify as an empath, a highly sensitive person, or a neurodivergent woman who feels things deeply, you already know that you experience the emotional world differently than most people. You walk into a room and immediately sense the energy. You scroll through social media and feel the weight of what you read long after you put your phone down. You sit across from someone who is struggling and find yourself struggling too, even if you had been perfectly fine five minutes before.
This is not your imagination. This is how your nervous system works. Empaths and HSPs have a heightened ability to absorb and process the emotional energy of the people and environments around them. It is one of your greatest gifts. It is also, when unmanaged, one of your greatest sources of confusion and exhaustion.
"Just because you are feeling it does not necessarily mean it is yours to own."
When you are feeling sadness, anxiety, or anger and you cannot trace it back to anything specific in your own life, it is worth pausing and asking a different question. Not "why am I feeling this" but "whose is this?"
The world around you amplifies everything you feel
There are times when the collective energy around us is especially heavy. Local environmental issues, news cycles, social media, the people in our immediate circle, and even broader energetic shifts can all land in the body of a sensitive person like a wave they never saw coming. When the world is stirred up, empaths feel it first and feel it most.
For those of us who are sensitive, this kind of amplified energy does not always announce itself clearly. Instead it shows up as a vague depression that seems to come from nowhere. A low-grade anxiety that does not have a clear source. A heaviness that makes you feel like you cannot do anything, even though nothing has actually gone wrong in your personal world. Sound familiar?
This is especially true when there is environmental distress in your area, collective grief or fear in your community, or when you have been spending time with people who are carrying a lot. Your system picks it all up. And if you are not paying attention, you will start to believe that what you are absorbing is actually yours.
How to tell if what you are feeling belongs to you
This is the most important skill an empath can develop. Mindfulness gives us a way to step back from our feelings and observe them rather than simply be swept away by them. From that grounded place, you can start to ask some real questions.
Pause and notice. When a feeling arrives, especially one that feels sudden or out of place, stop for a moment. Take a breath. Do not immediately try to explain or fix it. Just notice it is there.
Ask: was I feeling this before? Think back to before you entered the room, had the conversation, opened social media, or watched the news. Were you already feeling this way? Or did it arrive with something external?
Check the source. Is there something happening in your own life right now that would explain this feeling? If the answer is no, that is important information. The feeling may belong to someone or something outside of you.
Give it back. This is not about being cold or uncaring. It is about energetic boundaries. You can acknowledge someone's pain, offer compassion, and still consciously choose not to carry it as your own. Visualize handing it back, gently and with love.
Ground yourself. Feel your feet on the floor. Take three slow breaths. Notice five things you can see around you. Grounding brings you back into your own body and your own emotional baseline, where you can get a clear read on what is actually yours.
You cannot fix the whole world. And that is okay.
One of the most painful patterns I see in highly sensitive and empathic women is the weight of feeling responsible for everything. The suffering in the news. The friend who is struggling. The state of the environment. The collective grief of an entire community. Empaths want to fix it all, and when they cannot, the guilt and helplessness can feel crushing.
Here is what I want you to hear. You do not have to take on the world to make a difference. What you can do is identify what is actually yours to work with and focus your energy there. Maybe that looks like signing a petition. Maybe it means showing up for one person who needs you. Maybe, and this is just as valid, it means recognizing that right now your energy is needed for your own family, your own healing, your own rest. That is not giving up. That is wisdom.
Even the smallest action, taken with intention, creates a ripple effect. You do not have to carry all of it to matter. You just have to show up for the piece that is genuinely yours.
Self care is not optional for empaths. It is essential.
When the world feels heavy and you are absorbing more than usual, self care becomes less of a nice idea and more of a non-negotiable. Sleep, boundaries, time in nature, quiet, and mindful practices like grounding and meditation are not luxuries for highly sensitive people. They are the infrastructure that keeps your nervous system functioning.
When you are well rested, boundaried, and grounded, you are actually better equipped to show up for the people and causes you care about. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. It is how you sustain your capacity to give.
Frequently asked questions
How do I know if I am an empath or just a highly sensitive person?
These two things often overlap significantly. A highly sensitive person (HSP) has a nervous system that processes sensory and emotional information more deeply than others. An empath tends to go a step further, actually absorbing or taking on the emotional states of people around them, sometimes to the point of losing track of where their own feelings end and someone else's begin. Many of my clients are both. The good news is that the tools for managing both are very similar: grounding, emotional boundaries, and mindful awareness of what belongs to you.
Is absorbing other people's emotions a real thing or is it in my head?
It is very real, and it is not something to be embarrassed about. Research on mirror neurons suggests that humans are wired to resonate with the emotional states of others. For empaths and HSPs, this system is simply more sensitive than average. You are not making it up. You are experiencing something that is genuinely happening in your nervous system, and learning to work with it rather than against it is one of the most powerful things you can do.
Why do I feel more anxious and depressed when things are happening in the news or on social media?
Because your nervous system does not clearly separate what is happening to you from what is happening around you. When you scroll through distressing content, your body responds as if the threat is personal and immediate. For highly sensitive people this effect is amplified. Limiting your news and social media intake, especially during already difficult emotional periods, is not avoidance. It is nervous system hygiene.
How do I stop absorbing other people's energy without becoming cold or disconnected?
This is the question I hear most often and it is such a good one. The goal is not to stop feeling. It is to feel with awareness. When you develop the practice of checking in and asking "is this mine?" you can stay compassionate and present with others while still maintaining a clear sense of your own emotional baseline. Think of it as keeping a hand on your own heartbeat even while you reach out to someone else.
Can therapy help with being an empath or highly sensitive person?
Yes, absolutely. Working with a therapist who actually understands the empath and HSP experience makes a significant difference. A lot of highly sensitive women have spent years in therapy with well-meaning therapists who did not quite get it, and they leave feeling like something is wrong with them. There is nothing wrong with you. You just need support that is designed for how your system actually works. That is exactly what I offer through online therapy for empaths and HSPs throughout Florida.
What are some quick grounding techniques for empaths who feel overwhelmed?
Some of my favorites are the 5-4-3-2-1 technique (notice 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste), slow diaphragmatic breathing, placing your feet flat on the floor and pressing down, holding something cold or warm in your hands, and spending even five minutes outside in nature. These practices bring you back into your own body and out of the absorbed emotional field of whatever or whoever you have been around.
Ready to figure out what is actually yours?
If you are an empath, HSP, or highly sensitive woman in Florida who is tired of carrying emotions that do not belong to you, I would love to help. Through online therapy, we can work together to build the emotional boundaries, grounding practices, and self-awareness that let you stay connected to the world without drowning in it. Bring a willing heart. I will bring the tea.
My interpretation of Christine Miserandino's 2003 essay "The Spoon Theory.
Title: "Spoon Theory Explained: Self-Care for Highly Sensitive People"
Description:
Welcome to our vlog, where we embark on a journey into the world of self-care, tailored especially for highly sensitive individuals. 🥄✨
Are you a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)? Do you often find yourself needing more self-care than most people in your life? If so, you're in the right place. In this vlog, we're delving deep into Christine Miserandino's thought-provoking 2003 essay, "The Spoon Theory." While originally designed to explain the daily struggles of those with physical illnesses, we'll explore how it resonates profoundly with those who identify as highly sensitive.
You see, being a highly sensitive person isn't just about emotional reactions to the world; it encompasses a heightened sensitivity to various stimuli, including emotions, environments, and even the energy of others. This sensitivity can sometimes lead to feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, or exhaustion. But, fret not, because here, we'll show you how "The Spoon Theory" can help highly sensitive individuals manage their energy and prioritize self-care.
In a world that often feels overwhelming, remember that self-care isn't selfish—it's essential! Together, let's navigate the intricacies of self-care and empowerment, making life a bit more manageable and a lot more enjoyable. 💖
Hashtags: #SpoonTheory #SelfCare #HighlySensitive #MentalHealth #InvisibleIllness #Anxiety #Depression #EmotionalWellBeing
Self Care Momma, Self Care
As a single person, I did so much better with self care. I worked hard, played hard and remembered to take time for me. It was not unusual for me to work all day, take a nap, work all night, then go out and dance. Actually, it was my norm…oh the energy of your 20’s! In my early 30’s, I slowed down, but still managed self care, yoga, art classes, reading books, exercise. Life was good…I still was busy, but life was good.
Then I had children. Now I love being a Mom, please don’t get me wrong. The reality is though, once my kids came along, my self care took a hit. Art classes were replaced with coloring books and doing kid focused art projects, fun but not as rewarding. Yoga was replaced with baby and me classes, reading was a luxury that I know longer had time for, unless it was that five minutes sitting on the commode…when I didn’t get interrupted. (Okay, you all know I did not read, because what Mom can go to the bathroom for five minutes and not get interrupted?) Exercise consisted of chasing a toddler while wearing an infant. I simply did not have time, or maybe didn’t make the time. I was caught up in motherhood.
My kids are a bit older now, 5 and 9. I am making more time for me…I work out on occasion. I read more. I spend more time with me. I have registered for a lot on online classes, but seem to get distracted before finishing them. There are many days I long for more me time, and know that instead I need to be mom. There are other days that I feel like, “Forget those kids, I need me time. ” Then the Momma guilt kicks in. The thing is I often feel like there just isn’t enough time to do EVERYTHING I NEED to do, let alone everything I WANT to do…so how can I have me time? Or that is how I thought. Then some shifts happened in my personal life, and I realized, I can’t afford not to take time out for me. You see, my lack of self care wasn’t just affecting me, it was affecting those that I loved. I was tired. Not like your normal tired. I was bone dry, exhausted, overwhelmed and tapped out. I didn’t laugh as much, and I most certainly wasn’t fun to be around. Fairly frequently, I was grumpy, maybe down right, well you know.
I began my self care slowly. I actually took days off while the kids were in school, and slept. I began building my friendships again. I scheduled nights out, with the girls…and appreciated other women making me laugh and relating to the craziness that is motherhood. I reconnected with my tribe. My husband and I went on dates, and became friends again. I started getting manicures and pedicures…and not beating myself up for time wasted. I said “no” more. What I realized, was that I became a better wife, a better mother, a better therapist, and a better enterpreneur. I was a healthier person when I took care of myself first. It continues to be a journey. Sometimes, I say yes too much. Sometimes, I feel guilt for not being able to be there for someone. Sometimes, I still long for my single days, where I just cared for me. Sometimes, I hear other people say spend as much time with your kids as you can, they grow up fast and feel sad. I also try to remember that when I take time for me, I am taking time for them too. In it all, I just try and find balance, and not let any one area get so far out of line that I end up dropping all areas. For you see, yes, I am a Mom and a Wife and a friend and a therapist and an entrepreneur and a school volunteer and (put your own “and” in here). However, I am a person first. A person with limited time and energy. A person who loves being all those things so much, that she knows she has to pull in, to do all of those things well, some of the time. So Momma, let go of the guilt. Go do something for you, and remember, you are doing it for your kids….they need to see you making yourself a priority, so they learn how to make themselves a priority.
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Love and Healing,
Laura
I am not pefect, I am a therapist!
I had a friend say to me, “Oh my god, I am so glad to hear you lose it, it makes me feel better to know you are a therapist and sometimes lose your cool.” Uhm, yes…I am human. I lose my mind, I curse, at times I do stupid stuff…this morning, half way through my morning, I realized I had my pants on backwards…they are yoga pants, do they really have a front and a back? The thing is, when you are sitting on this side of the couch, it is easy to appear like you have it all together and you are perfect. Spend twenty minutes with me though, and you will know that is far from how I see myself. Far from how I live my life.
I make mistakes. My kids drive me crazy. Sometimes, I yell and then have the Mommy guilt afterward. I forget to get my oil changed. I frequently lose my keys. Occasionally, I want to leave it all behind and go sit drinking some kind of fru-fru drink in Bora Bora. I am human. It is that humaneness that gives me compassion, kindness and understanding of my clients. I wouldn’t want it to be any other way. I have been on both sides of the couch, and well the therapist that just sits there, and does not show me their humanity, is not the one I want or need. I need to know that you are real…that you screw up. How do you expect me to be vulnerable with you, if I think that you are perfect? I hope that I can offer my clients the same. I hope that they can see my imperfections, and feel safe to be vulnerable…I mean that whole opening yourself up is hard enough…let alone to someone who can’t let you see them.
As I sit across the couch from you, there is no judgement. Why? Because I know you are learning. I know what if feels like to try to figure out your path, and to fall off of it. I screw up too. I want those in my life to offer me the same kind of positive regard I try and offer my clients. There are going to be times I am off base, run late, or am just struggling. There are times when I have had an argument with a loved one, and while I try to check it at the door, and be fully present for you, my thoughts may wander for a minute. I could try and hide it, but as my client, you will see I don’t hide my emotions well, and comment. I will own it, and refocus. There will be other times, that I see and feel your pain so deeply, that I will tear up with you. My focus so on that you will think I have read your mind. You see, I am not perfect. I see it in you, and you see it in me.
I often joke that perfection is like a unicorn, you can chase it all day, but even if you do catch it, it will end up being a goat. No one is perfect. However, I am perfectly imperfect. I own my imperfections. I try and make them better. I try and make healthy choices, and sometimes I royally mess things up. However, I learn. That is my gift to my clients. I learn and I am willing to share those experiences with you. I am willing to be real with you. In doing so, I create a safe place to witness your mistakes because I was fortunate enough to have someone along the line witness mine. They held me accountable with love, and now that I have done a good deal of healing, I can do the same for you. Hopefully, as we go through the process of healing, you are learning too. You will fall down, you will feel guilt, but in being your authentic self, you allow someone else to see you, which opens the door to healing wounds. That is the point of this whole exercise right? To learn, grow, change and find greater happiness? If we can embrace our humanity, and allow ourselves to love each other regardless…this thing we call life might just get a little easier.